Saturday, August 8, 2015

Turning Family Pictures into loads of fun

What can I say I love to joke, but probably I shouldn't do it all the time. Even though I know that I always do and have no plans of stopping. I hate getting pictures done and I am probably not alone.  So since it's something that I probably should do when my asks me to I thought I better at least try and make it fun,  So here is a tip when getting your pictures taken with the family or by yourself.  What you want to do is tell the photographer you are a little nervous and that you haven't ever done this before, then in about 15 or 20 seconds unzip your pants and ask them if this is when you are supposed to take your pants off.  I keep looking serious so they don't think I am joking.  I do this to every photographer wherever I am at and whoever I am with.  It makes pictures not suck so much.  Once they laugh or look at you strangely just ask them seriously if they have ever filmed anyone naked. I think it is a standard question.  It normally makes them very uncomfortable and want to get things done quicker.  Plus if they are photographing me then I just want to know what they are thinking as they are taking the pictures.  Either way you sped up the process and you had a little fun while doing it.

So next time you are taking pictures give it a try and it won't suck so very bad.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

How I motivate myself

There are lots of motivating things in this world. A gun pointed at my head would get me moving and a breakfast sandwich would get me up in the morning, but for those times when I am feeling down talking to someone really helps. Not just anyone, but there are people in this world that really know how to listen. For me it is me, no one listens to me better then I do. After a while people seem to get tired of my rambling, but not me, I can sit and talk to myself for hours on end. Just this evening I replayed a movie in my head. Dumb and Dumber is a great show isn't it, I would say as we were watching together, well in my head we were watching.  We make jokes together and laugh for hours. You are really only alone if you kill your soul and the both of us are still going strong.

Now I know what you are thinking right now, you are probably thinking
 great post jerk face this has nothing to do with the title of the post, but sadly you are wrong my friend. Most of us if we needed something done and only had a few minutes we would light a fire or call the police, describe ourselves as an assailant and work really hard to be gone when they got there, thus completing the very task that needs to get done. And yes this is very motivating, but one mistake could be costly to the pervert you described aka YOU. Now I know that some people think I am a genius and although tests have partially confirmed this, I don't want that kind of thing getting into my head.

I would like to share my secret to motivation and yes again it is me. Everyone knows your soul is really the strong one. You can be so self motivating that all the prank phone calls to the cops or the self help books that you overpay for won't be needed any longer. No more going to the many therapists you have gone to since you were a kid, because your parents thought you were crazy and said Jacob this is for your own good, all that can be tossed in the garbage including the thyroid medicine--toss that in there as well.   I am my own doctor now and the only medicine I need is self subscribed. So really this is the secret: each and everyday I look myself in the mirror and tell the person looking back at me how much better I am than them. I say, hey if I wanted I could kill you and you would be gone. Now I don't take it overboard to where it is scary--I keep it intense for sure, but tasteful, tasteful and intense I call it. I say over and over I am better then you and you know it. By the time I am done I feel awesome like I can do anything I ever wanted to do. All because I decided to take control of my own mind and live like I was dying or going to die because of what has been said in the mirror. Then at the end of the day I patch things up between the two of us, that is when we laugh and laugh a lot. (Me and ME again). I want to make sure I sleep well and I am not scared something is going to happen, but as always the morning comes and I am back at it again.

Well that's it, that's the big one. The big secret to my success and the reason I am me. Anyway enjoy your next meal and next time you are looking in the mirror think of this story and go to it.

Monday, August 3, 2015

My thoughts while climbing a tree

The other day I was at the park with my family.  It was a nice day and all was well so I thought what the heck lets climb a tree.  Often in life we climb trees, for some of us the tree is a college education, for some of us the tree is starting a business, for me the tree was actually a tree that was planted in the ground that you can actually climb. So I started up the tree and after climbing up 30-40 feet I thought, wow this is not as I remembered it. But what was different I thought? I have done this a ton of times. I used to climb a lot of trees when I was a kid. Then it dawned on me, I did climb a lot of trees as a kid, but it was mostly in the dark and near my neighbors windows. This was during the day and this time it was for the thrill of it. My kids and wife were impressed and this time I was no longer that wierdo starring at you in the dark, I was a man starring down at you in the light of day.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Helping Keep America a Little Safer

I am always thinking of ways to better the situation of life for all (especially if I benefit). As I was thinking this week I thought of an idea that could be money.  It's super exciting so here goes:

Idea: Kidnapping is a big problem, that I believe I can help solve. Kids see strangers and are taught Stranger Danger and if a stranger is trying to grab them, or take them, or hurt them they can yell out, "stranger" or "help me ," but these days those words don't work.  They are outdated because no one wants to help.  Since they are so outdated I thought of a new set of words that will get everyone coming.  I present to you my new Stranger Danger program to be replaced by................ "pervert alert." If a kid is hollering out, "stranger" I am going to think they are taking about another kid that is stranger then they are or if they yell out "help" I will assume they got stuck in a well. Either way, no help needed from me because I don't want to get involved if it is a kid hazing incident and I sure don't want to be in a well, no thanks jerky kids. Now if they are yelling "pervert alert" I will come running. I would want to get a good look at who they think a pervert is and why they are thinking he or she is a pervert. That word alone would get me running over.

Okay, so the good thing about this idea is instead of hearing the same old boring words we would actually hear something that would be more meaningful. We would be more willing to help a kid against a pervert then we would a stranger, again the word sounds so much cooler in this context. Kidnappings could go drop a ton because no one wants to be a pervert lurking around so they would stay away from kids altogether and the only people near the kids would be their parents or people they know or actual perverts that we need to catch.

To any new concept there is a possible downside.   Many people who are just strangers could get called perverts.   And sure if you really are a pervert then you probably don't mind being called a pervert.  But if you are a normal stranger then it might be offensive.  Either way I think it is a fine idea.  If you don't like it, it doesn't mean you are a pervert, it just means you most likely are a pervert.  Seems like now all I have to do is wait for the calls to start flooding in from schools and police agencies asking me to train their people on the new program.  I will update you next week.

Until then - Pervert Alert:)

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Two things I hate and one of them is baby talk

Is baby talk ever cute?  The answer is no.  I don't care how old the baby is or isn't, either way here in America, it's time to learn to speak English and learn to speak it well.  If you have a stuttering issue that is one thing. Sure we will make fun of you for it later in life, but don't add baby talk to the mix that would be both appalling and disgusting.  

I was at the store tonight and guess what happened?  I bought some ice cream, but before the ice cream my wife and I were going through the aisles and guess what I heard?  You guessed it, baby talk.  I said to my wife, "I hate baby talk" and she said, "how old was the kid?" and I said, "it was baby talk, it was a baby."  Apparently some weirdo nut jobs think it is funny to baby talk when they are older which is even more weird and creepy than actual babies talking. 

Anyway, my point is I didn't speak out loud til I was 4 and a half for a reason.  I didn't like baby talk then and I certainly don't like it now.  I might have had to listen to it from the friends I had back then, but I  
skipped that goo goo ga ga junk and spoke words.   And when I spoke them, I spoke them well.  That is what most, no that is what every American should strive for.  Does baby talk have it's place?  Yes, but that place is in the minds of those babies out there and no where else.  I say let's kick that habit like we would smoking or any other disgusting habit.  I can't do it all myself, but together we can make a difference and we can eliminate baby talk forever everywhere.  Bless you all and no more baby talk forever.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Good Quotes Changed For The Better

There are a lot of good quality quotes out there, but they can always be changed for the better. So I took some good quotes and did just that, changed them to make them much much better. Enjoy!!

Answers Below

1. A bird in the hand is worth _______________

Answer: eating even if you end up in the toilet for half the night.

2. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and_________________

Answer: I hope you get punched in the pants.

3. Laughter is the best_______

Answer: way to take money from others.

4. Be careful what you ask for, you may___________

Answer: not get it and be disappointed on your birthday and/or Christmas.

5. Do not leave for tomorrow, what you can ____________

Answer: do next week or have someone else do for you.

6. Dogs are a mans best ______________

Answer: chance of finding a bomb hidden somewhere in your home.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Children Are Our Future...To Fighting Immigration

I know that illegal immigration is a heated issue that we deal with in this country, and although we can complain, really we have no one to blame but ourselves. 

Immigrants normally do the jobs that we don't want to do or won't do because we are "too good to do those jobs." I feel the same way, just as most people, in that I know I am too good to do those jobs, but they do them and are happy to do them. But you know who isn't too good to do them, children. Maybe not mine and maybe not yours, but somewhere in the heart of America are kids who would do these lower paying jobs and sometimes for even lower than the illegal immigrants. 

Don't blame me that this already isn't happening, I never voted for child labor laws.  I think the parents should decide, I mean after all they are the ones who own them til they're 18.  Like most of you I love the song about the children being the future, but can't they be the present as well. And really by allowing those laws to be overturned we could really crank up the economy. Parents with a lot of kids could use that money that their kids earn on whatever they want. Well, I know I don't have all the answers, just the right ones. Think on that. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

If I were a Bear

Life would be so grand if I were a bear. I would be able to go around and eat all of my enemies and it wouldn't be murder.  I guess it might be but I would be able to get away pretty easily.  Bears don't have addresses so they would never find me.  Also bears look alike so even if they did find me it might not be me. I don't really have any enemies at this point so I won't worry about that for now.  Also I could finally eat out of the garbage without getting strange looks from my neighbors. I told them that I thought there was some more Pizza in the box, but I was wrong and so were they for judging me.  Luckily that happened years ago and I don't think I would do that again.  Also I could hire myself out as an assassin. I would eat people for money, now we're talking, no more of the crap I currently do.  Also if I were a bear I would roam without pants similar to what I do on Saturday mornings in my living room. I think since I am not a bear, what I really want is a pet bear that I can train to run my errands.  I love Saturdays and I like bears. Bless you bears, and try not to eat anymore people I like you crazy bunch of perverts.

Monday, July 20, 2015

A few of the DUMBEST things I have ever done

1. When I was ten I bet my friend that Doogie Hoosier was a real medical doctor.  I was a little off and would have lost 300 dollars, luckily I never paid him.

2. Once when my parents and I were on a road trip, just me and them, I made a sign that said help I am being kidnapped and put it in the window in the backseat where I was sitting.  Luckily this was back before everyone had a cell phone or else it could have been a really fun situation.  Kids don't try that at home or in the car either.  My parents, especially my dad was very angry with me and needless to say I felt really bad, mainly because I got caught.

3. I ate a couple castor beans on a dare which apparently contain ricin.  Ricin is a very dangerous and deadly poison.  Oops I should have been paying a lot more attention on that field trip.  I guess I should have noticed the skull and cross bones by that planter.  I guess I should have listened to my friends when they said those are poisonous, no seriously they are.  I guess I should have thought twice about eating anything on that field trip to the college greenhouse.  I was thinking all that when the campus cop picked me up and took me to the hospital, where they had to give me 3 glasses of liquid charcoal.  As the saying goes, " old enough to know better, but still to stupid to care.  For the record I was only 16 at the time.  So really too young to care.  

Actually that is it.  Those are the only dumb things I have ever done and probably will do sounds like, at least until the next time.

Friday, July 17, 2015

I have some good news and some bad news

So the good news is I got some news socks today....................the bad news is I ran out of toilet paper in the men's room just before that. All in all the situation handled itself.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Top Food Scam of the 20th century

I used to love Mahi-Mahi.  It's a great tasting meat and really a good time had by all when your eating it.  I had a lot of respect for Flipper and his friends for giving up their lives so we could have a taste.  Recently though I found out the well-known fact to most that Mahi-Mahi is not really Dolphin but just Dolphin fish.  Apparently Dolphins are mammals and Dolphins are fish.  Thanks a lot to all the school teachers in my life who taught me all kinds of crap except for that little fact.  I felt betrayed and angry that day, but life goes on and I will always have my memories of thinking I was eating Free Willies little buddy the Dolphin.  Unfortunately looks like the liberal media won again on that one. Congrats for that victory but don't count on it again.  

Monday, July 13, 2015

College nicknames my brother once had.

1. The Midnight Tennis Player
2. Little Tom the Peeper
3. Broccoli & Cheese
4. The Chinese Needle Snake
5. The Real Corn Chowder
6. Bouncy Nips
7. The Texas Fondler
8. Captain Unicorn Killer
9. Wiener Roll Up
10. Cheese Balls

He only went to one semester of college, but he accomplished more in one semester than most students accomplish in 4 years.  He was a great student but a better man in general.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Ways to Make Extra Money

In these tough economic times people are always trying to figure out ways to make extra money.  It's tough out there and with four kids and one on the way, believe you me, I understand.  Well to clarify I am not certain that "one is on the way" but you just never know so I always like to plan ahead just in case.  Planning for another one is always important, either way no matter how many kids you have you need to have ways of making some extra cash. So I came up with a few unconventional and exciting ways to earn a couple extra dollars.  In no particular order here they are.  

1. Start a spade and neutering business - This is not as regulated as being a doctor so you should be okay to go for it. I found out the hard way that you have to have a license to practice medicine, but I am pretty sure animals are okay to work on in your spare time. If you live in Mexico I still think you are okay to practice medicine so keep that in mind if you ever find yourself needing some coin south of the border.

2. Become an accident victim - everyone has insurance these days for all sorts of things and a lot of times you can even get 'out of court' settlements which turns into quick cash.  I have four lawsuits going right now and a couple of the people are just paying me to go away.  This country is awesome isn't it? 

3. Start a lottery - This one does take some sales skills since you will have to sell tickets, but since you run the lottery you can make sure that you always have the winning ticket exactly where you want it. You get a distant, shifty relative involved and boom you just made yourself a fist full of dollars.  That's money in the bank.

4. Start a swear jar company - All you need are jars and people that swear, which you shouldn't have any trouble finding. I know some of you that I could make so much money off of.  Put a few jars up around town, sit back, relax and plan for a big score at the months end.

5. Start a school fundraiser - kids are suckers and so are most of the parents if they get a paper sent home from school asking you to donate. All you have to do is volunteer once at the school and when the teacher isn't looking, stick a flyer in each kids backpack asking them to mail checks to your P.O. Box. It is as easy as that. Just ask my wife, she volunteers a lot and we have a P.O. Box.

6. Lemonade Stand - Will Rogers once said, "buy land they ain't making any more of it." Well that is great advice when you lived back in Will Roger's time, but now try and get a loan for land. You can't hardly do it. So the next best thing is a lemonade stand. The mark-up is incredible and if you skimp on the sugar your profits can skyrocket even more. Something to remember, only try this one Saturday every few months. If you do it more then that you won't get any return business because people will remember how crappy your lemonade was.

7. Three words - pot of gold.  Three more words - end of rainbow.  I think I might have said too much already.

8. Coloring Contest Winner - Sure you need kids for this little winner but it's an easy money deal so if you have kids, you're golden.  There are always coloring contests your kids can enter throughout the year, but most kids stink at drawing and coloring.  Unless you have a Van Gogh for a son or daughter then no kid is going to beat an adult at coloring.  You simply put their name on the art work, sign off and put your kid's name and consider yourself a winner.  Sometimes the contests even give away cash and prizes so everyone is a winner.  I have won almost every time I have entered these types of contests.  And if you are lucky then you can get a child's meal and some spending money.  Food and fun and money, that's a winning combo if I have ever seen one. 

Well that's enough for now.  I can't give all my secrets away, I have a family to feed.  Bless you all and until next time, peace out.


Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Thanks to those that help me, even if you don't talk back.

In my younger years I used to take things for granted, I would often forget to say thanks.  Through a series of life events that has changed and I have become more thankful.  I am not perfect, yet, but I feel I am pretty thankful.  I try and teach my kids to always be thankful and grateful.  I always tell them there are two things I really want them to learn from me.  The first is how to work and the second is how to be grateful & thankful.  Now in my life thankfulness runs deep in my blood. If you cut me open blood and thankfulness would come spewing out and depending on if I have sold my blood that day it could be mostly thankfulness. Someone once told me that it is better to be thanked than thank.  I thought for so long that guy was an idiot, but the idiot was me.  It turned out I was wrong I just didn't know it yet.

Thanking has actually become a very addictive hobby for me, more so than crack cocaine which I have never tried but I assume it is.  I often thank people I don't even know and thank people I do know numerous times.  I have also started thanking animals; horses, cattle, the cat who always is in my back yard even though I don't want him there, badgers and bears, and anything I can find. But yesterday I was feeling a little down thinking maybe I could do more to be even more thankful.  

For about an hour I thought who else could I possibly thank.  Luckily my mind is wise and it came to me.  What are the things we really take for granted and who never get thanked at all?  Well the answer is simple, we like to call these things appliances, tools and car parts.   They do a lot of the work so we don't have to.  So from that moment on I vowed to make sure I thank those things and make sure they know I care.

Sure I spend time with the wife and kids, but after they are all tucked in I lean in close and say thank you to my washer and dryer and even that red headed step child called the garbage disposal. How many of you have hugged a light bulb recently? I wouldn't recommend a hot one, but if you are changing the light bulb and one is going in the trash that might be a good time to say thanks or great job giving us light for those several months. I am not some nut who talks to everything, but I am one of those nuts who thanks everything. I am not telling you to make out with a light socket and believe me you don't want to do that, but I am telling you that being thankful is something that will come the more you do it.  There is no shame in publicly thanking a nail that holds up your fake diploma or family picture you may or may not have. There is no reason to care that others, including me, might call you "the town weirdo" for holding your tire iron and jack in your arms and hugging them tightly right after you fix a flat.  I would even say it's disgusting if you don't.  And I would call you the town weirdo for other reasons anyway.

Either way my point is this.  As for me I am now a full fledged thanker, whether it be human or not, I will give thanks.  I suggest next time something or someone helps you, you don't let them or it go without saying thanks. I just hugged my computer and told it how much I cared and now is your opportunity to thank yours.

Again I am not some nutbar that lives in his parents basement, mainly because my parents don't have a basement and I have 4 kids and it would get really crowded, but either way I am not that guy.  I just know that thanking those who can't talk back is just as sane as I am.  So the next time you arrive at work on time why not hug that tire, either one doesn't matter just hug one and tell it how glad you are to get to work and hug it when you get home just to let it know you care.  Your face will thank me if you do and you will feel good inside and out.

Just to clarify I don't use any drugs.  Thanks so much for reading and until next time THANK YOU for being here and especially thank you if you like and share me on facebook or whatever system you kids are using these days.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Things you don't want to say to new parents

1. Your baby is beautiful, I wonder where they get it from?

2. Looks like someone's gained some weight... I mean the baby, the baby's gained weight.

3. I can't recall the baby's name.  Also is it a boy or girl?  I can't remember that either and I can't really tell from looking at it.

4. Wow, I didn't think you would stay married for longer than three months and now you guys have a baby.  That's great, you sure proved me wrong.

5. Honestly all baby's are ugly to me, it's not just your baby.  Frankly, I think they smell and are just disgusting.

6. I think he will grow out of his baby face.  He won't look like that forever.  I'm sure it's gonna get better.

7. If you need baby photos done, there is some creepster on Craigslist doing pics for free, just trying to get the word out.  You might want to look into it.  He mentioned doing "special pictures" so I am sure baby photos would fit into that category.

8. So does she do any tricks or anything?  I don't know why people get so excited about babies, it seems like they just sit there and do nothing all day.

9. Talk about baby fat, that thing is huge!  Looks like you got yourself a future sumo wrestler.

10. I did not see you guys having kids.  You just don't seem like children people.  In fact I actually thought you hated children and would hurt them if you could.  Yet here we are.

Friday, July 3, 2015


As American's we seem to be losing more and more freedom's each and every year. The government, whether it's the state government, or the local city, or county government, or the dreaded federal government, we are getting rights pulled from us each and every day. George Washington and Tommy Jefferson wouldn't be happy at all.  But, they can still be glad there's one right that they can't take away. As an American I am glad that each and every day I have the right, no the privilege to mark my territory and pee in my own yard. Unless there is a good wind coming back to you, taking a leak in your yard just feels nice. Front yard or back yard, it really doesn't matter. It is your right and privilege as an American. If that right isn't protected then really which ones are?

I say if dogs can mark their territory then so can I. No, dog is better than me, except for that talking dog on the baked bean commercials on TV or Underdog in the movie Underdog. Those dogs might be better than me, but other than that Sparky can move over cause there's a new dog in town....aka ME. Oh I forgot to mention White Fang he is pretty awesome as well. He isn't better than me, but does deserve a mention. So tomorrow as you are lighting off fireworks and being thankful for our freedoms, don't forget this freedom and let it rain. Also it's a great time to be grateful you aren't my neighbor.

DISCLAIMER: To my neighbors next time you are near my yard and it sounds like rain, but no clouds are in the sky, just keep walking and know that my walls are high for a reason!!!!


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

10 More Things You Don't Want To Hear On A Blind Date

1. I know we've been talking for about an hour now but what's your name again?  I date a lot of girls so it's really hard to keep track, I guess that just shows I'm popular.

2. So you mentioned your dad is rich right?  Because I am looking for a girl who can afford me.

3. I am glad we were set up like this.  I was told you weren't very attractive, but appearances aren't important to me at all.

4. Now that we're wrapping things up I just had to say I really like you.  At this point I have two choices, I can stalk you or you can go out with me again.  Which one would you prefer?

5. I am not used to being fully clothed like this.  This is something very foreign to me.

6. Some people say I am cheap, but I like to think of it as thrifty.  When we head back to my place I can show you the two couches I found on the side of the road.

7. I hope you can afford this.  I am a big eater.  

8. Girls who don't go out with me after the first date often end up with slashed tires and keyed cars.  Just wanted to throw that out there before we call it a night.

9. I often call the suicide hotline...I just can't handle another rejection so I hope you and I work out.

10. I hope you don't mind but I brought my cat with me tonight.  I can't go anywhere without him.

Monday, June 29, 2015

That's Cash in the Bank!!!

Whenever you are heading over to put cash into your bank account it's a great feeling. I like to see my bank balance building or at least getting back to even in some cases and the great news is you can add to that joy of cash in the bank by using one of my fun tips. It's real simple to do and makes for a lot of fun. When it's my turn with the teller I walk up, throw my money on the counter and state, “Legal or not I like making money.” They will normally respond with a look of confusion and awkwardness and you just give them a good shoulder shrug and start smiling and shake your head in agreement with your previous statement. You can throw in the statement, "You probably know what I mean right?" After a good minute of them working my transaction I tell them I am not serious and that I don't sell drugs or anything like that.  This usually gets a lot of laughs and if not, then you aren’t doing it right-- so keep practicing daily. I can do it right every time, but I did invent it.  This isn't for everyone, but true comedians don't care if they makes others laugh, they just like to make themselves laugh.  So next time you find yourself putting some cash in the bank just smile inside and give it a try.

PS.  This is probably not a good idea for all of you that really are involved in illegal activity.  Always keep that in mind and refrain from trying it, even though it's a lot of fun.

Bonus Tip:  Anytime I have to send a bank wire, I make up a story about how I am selling my motorcycle. I tell the teller that some guy contacted me off  my Craigslist post and that he sent me a check for more than the amount of the motorcycle and that he just needs me to wire some money back to him.  This is of course a scam that scammers try and I love to make this story up and watch the teller tell me to wait while they go talk to their manager.  They think I am the victim of some scam and I just keep acting like I don't know any better.  But I do, I have been involved in a lot of scams, both coming and going. You make more money coming, but you have more fun going.  Either way it's a classic prank that normally makes them mad at me, but it's so worth the looks on their faces while the story is being told.  Luckily they can't be too mad at me because I am the customer and a darn good one at that.

PS. Don't actually fall for Craigslist scams.  The tellers always tell me they have these things happen about once a month, so beware.  Also never hand the teller a note or anything like that.  That is NOT considered a joke and they will bust you right down to China Town for that stuff.

Good luck and always remember my personal motto: NSJ= NEVER STOP JOKING!!!!!!!  EVER!!!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Saturday you make us proud

I have been in a poetry kind of mood lately.  What can I say the juices are flowing if you know what I mean.  Enjoy it:

Saturday...a day among days!!!!!

If the days had a fight you would win
A mule once kicked me right in the shin
It hurt like the dickens which is really bad
If you were taken I'd be real sad
For within the 24 hours of your day
I can go to Burger King and have it my way
I can go on vacation or sleep in my bed
I could buy a new mustang and paint it bright red
One man once said that Friday is better
Well he is a nerd that wears a wierd sweater
Everyone knows that Friday was cool
Because as a kid you got out of school
But now it is Saturday that has taken it's place
If you were a wrestler you would spit in our face
Saturday surely is the best day all week
For everyone alive even if your a geek
So tomorrow is my day what shall I do
I  could fake an injury and then I could sue
I think I need a break from the writing
I will go on a hike and make up a bear siting
I like making up stories that's for sure
I could make up a illness and then sell the cure
As you can see the list could be long
You best not get caught with a crazy bong
That would be bad and you might go to jail
Those fences are high and difficult to scale
But that's what you might get if you were smoking the weed
Here's to Saturday the best day indeed

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Things you don't want to hear from your babysitter when you get home

1. Does it normally take a baby four hours to cry themselves to sleep? I just found a quiet spot and waited it out.

2. The kids had some "accidents" so I just spread out newspaper on the floor and just let them roam free.

3. The kids kept getting out of the crib so I turned it upside down.  I like to think of a crib as less of a sleeping area and more of a prison cell.  It makes it easier to keep track of them. 

4. Your six month old loved the honey I gave them.

5. I let your kids go to the park, I assume they are still there, who knows really.

6. I think the TV screen was cracked before I got here.

7. Your kids started watching a movie that my parents won't let me watch so that's why I am out in the garage.  They started it a few hours ago.

8.  Glad you are back, the ambulance just left, we should probably get to the hospital.

9. I found your candy stash.  I had to go through most of the drawers in your bedroom, but I found it.

10. The CO2 detector went off so I took it outside to get some fresh air.  The kids slept right through it though.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Things you don't want to hear on a blind date

1. Look at you, you don't look as bad as I thought you would.

And so after they found me legally insane all the charges were dismissed.  Now I can cross the state line without any issues.

3. I've been divorced 6 times, but I think you and I could work.

4. I can play the star spangled banner with my arm pit, cool huh?

5. Great news my parents will be joining us tonight as well.

Just so we're clear up front it's gonna be 75 dollars for the first hour then 50 for every additional hour.

Oh no I accidentally forgot my wallet can you cover this meal and I'll get the next one.

My therapist said I need to try and meet new people since most of my friends are imaginary.

9. Looks like you didn't shave, well neither did I.

10. I don't have many shots left so I'm gonna go for it, will you marry me?

Friday, June 19, 2015

It's almost Father's Day!!!!!

It's that time of year again, almost Father's Day Eve, then leading into a glorious day when I as a father, I don't have to do a thing.  To sum it up Father's Day is the only day of the year when I don't really have to be a father, they're your problem today Kelly (Kelly's my wife).  

But the problems I am talking about today aren't my kids, but all the crazy Father's Day ads we have to listen to this time of year.  This is the time of year when all the stores across the country get together and tell us what our dads will want for Father's Day.  I hate listening to all the ads, because not everyone has enough money for a new car or a new gun and sorry sweaters aren't a good summer gift, ya jerks. The only ads I like are the ones I write myself, so if you are out of ideas or out of money or out of both I got you covered.  I came up with a little list of gift ideas that are cheap and easy, much like some of you who are reading this. 

Gift Idea 1: Head on down to th
e library....What's that you say Jacob, the library? That's right the library. They have books and movies and books on tape all sorts of entertainment and it's free. Now I am not telling you to steal, that will be in idea number three, just kidding. Seriously don't steal, just borrow the item, wrap it up and then check it out for a long period of time. You will then have to invite yourself over in a few weeks to retrieve the item from your parent's house, but that could turn into another free meal if you play your cards right. Set it up and knock it down, then return the item and all is good. P.S. If he asks about the library marking on the book tell him it was a very rare book and that you bought it at a library auction, this will make you sound even cooler.

Gift Idea 2: The get out of jail free card. (Use cautiously if your dad is a jailbird.) Dad will know you really care with this one. You can make your own or your neighbor's monopoly game will have these already made for you. No one will miss them since kids these days play video games instead of board games, plus you use your neighbor's just in case you want to play strip monopoly with the wife and you want that card in there. Trust me, it is an important one when playing. Also, seriously to all my friends if I personally ever need to borrow a board game please just loan it to me and don't ask a bunch of questions.  Thanks.

Gift Idea 3: Vacation brochures - those little brochures can turn an ordinary vacation into an extraordinary vacation. Simply go down to your locally owned travel agency, yes they do still exist although a dying breed, and tell them you are dying and that you are traveling the world before you go (die). This usually brings a tear to their eye which is fun in it's own right, but don't forget you are there for the vacation brochures. Just get in and get out, but if you use that line you can have brochures from all over the world and for free. Promotional items - LOL - suckers.  When dad sees that you have taken the time to check out the world of travel for him he will appreciate your hard work.

Gift Idea 4: Deer Jerky Necklace - Nothing says man like a deer jerky necklace.  All you need is a little deer jerky and some string and you are set.  There are tons of deer out there and they are just prancing around wanting to help you give your dad something nice.  I am in no way saying you should poach, but if you run one over with your car then that's totally different.  There's no shame in picking up roadkill.  I have had many great meals using roadkill with many of you that have come to my home.  No shame in it at all.  

Gift Idea 5: This one is my favorite but takes some planning sometimes years in the making. Now days everyone likes to go out to eat and an often popular gift idea is the ever convenient restaurant gift card. Although a great idea, if you are a millionaire, for someone on a tight budget that might be a little out of your price range. So let me introduce you to the, 10th meal is free card. Sure it doesn't pay for the full meal and sure your dad might have to go to that certain diner six more times before he can get the free meal, but you did your part. You knocked out the first four meals, so that really is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year, or at least it will take him a year before he gets the prize, but either way you feel good and he feels loved. 

I hope these ideas brighten your holiday and that you are able to now relax a little.  After all it is a major holiday.   

Oh and to my own children all I really want on Father's Day is not to be bothered, maybe a hammock, TV remote, and a new gun, so don't come home until I have all of the listed items.  Thanks.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Secrets to Surviving Alone in the Wilderness

I have actually never been lost in the wilderness, unless you count last weekend in my yard as I was weeding it. Other than that I have been A-okay. I guess it is my great sense of direction combined with my strong will to live, but either way I have been good.  I have been on many outdoor excursions, but never lost thank goodness. But for those of you that find yourselves in the woods alone and afraid use these 10 tips and not only survive, but thrive in comfort and style.

1. Never go into the wilderness alone. If you are not alone you will not have to survive alone thus killing like several birds with one stone.  

2. Secret number 2 was actually used in secret number 1 as well and that is killing several birds. If you are alone killing birds can be a fun way to pass the time and a great source of food. Killing several at a time allows you to fill your stomach and then using the sun's rays you can make bird jerky for the rest of the time you are out in the wilderness.

3. Using pine cones, sticks and other wilderness supplies make a outdoor version of your significant other.  At this point in your life if you do not yet have a significant other then really what's the point of living anyway. Dig a grave and climb in. Just kidding there are still reasons for you to live. You can make a pine cone dummy of whoever you would like, have fun with it. Even if rescue comes and you are kissing your pine cone dummy, don't worry your significant other won't be mad, because again it's a pine cone dummy. Either way this will greatly help morale.

4. Watch a lot of Surviorman, Dual Survival, Remote Survival and Man vs Wild re-runs before you go into the woods. I don't remember any survival techniques from the shows, but it basically just shows you to be a daredevil and you will be fine. This will help when that stupid voice called your conscience says no Jacob you might break your leg if you jump that far. Confidence always shuts that jerk up and by watching those shows you will think you can survive anything.

5. Find a roadway, preferrably paved. If you could find one with a car driving by that would even be better. If you do find a car use your field knife to flag the car down. No one will stop for you if you smell like you haven't had a shower in days so you must use your knife to stop them.

6. Carry a cell phone. After you have built your tent of pine needles you will need something to do and with a cell phone you can play games or text or call people. That will keep you connected so it doesn't seem like you are by yourself.

7. Make a tree fort. This can keep your mind off of starving and if you have ever seen Swiss Family Robinson you can make a killer tree fort from stuff you salvage from ship wrecks in the area. NOTE: If you didn't get lost near a ship wreck then this secret isn't for you.

8. Make a loin cloth and shoes out of the feathers that you can get off of the birds that you killed in secret 2. Save your clothes for when you are rescued. You want to look cool and clean when you come down off the mountain in the helicopter. You might smell, but the stench will be covered up by the cleanliness of the clothing you have on.

9. Never scream or yell help. The only ones that will hear will be animals that want to kill you and eat your dead carcass. The only time you should yell help is if you are being eaten by an animal. When yelling this it will bring another animal over to you and unless the animals are friends they will start fighting thus allowing for an easy escape. If they are friends then you are kind of screwed because you will most likely get eaten quicker. Either way this will help because it will either put you out of your misery or let you escape. You have about a 50-50 shot at this point.

10. After hearing these secrets just make good and sure you want to be in the wilderness and if not don't go.

I hope these help. If you do plan a hike I would take the time to print these off and keep them in a waterproof storage container in case you do lose your way and haven't memorized these yet.  Good luck and keep cool and/or warm depending on the conditions of where you are located.  Peace out!!

Monday, June 15, 2015

10 Things you don't want to hear on your honeymoon

1. I am sure glad we signed that prenup.
2. Your engagement ring is actually made mostly from recycled glass.
3. Settling for you wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
4. I have a surprise for you.  My parents came with us, they're in the next room over.
5. Oh finally I can stop working out and eat what I want.
6. How much life insurance do you have again?
7. I think we might want to consider seeing other people.
8. Can we start working on my immigration papers right away?
9. My other wife is gonna like you.
10. My mom just called, turns out we're related.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Ten more things you don't want to hear from the loudspeaker of the airplane

11. This thing has a lot more buttons and levers than the school bus I am used to driving.

12. Luckily I only had a few shots before we left so I am still mostly sober.

13. For your safety we have two TSA agents coming around and gropping each of you row by row. We call it our new "just in case you snuck something onboard" policy.

14. This is your captain speaking I have some good news and some really bad news, what do you want first?

15. Folks sorry for the bumpy ride the last few minutes, I dosed off for a bit there but looks like everything is just fine now. Sit back, relax and enjoy the next several hours of flying.

16. Studies show that we are safer flying then driving , but if the gas gauge is accurate we might be proving that theory wrong.

17. Great news I decided to take a short cut over a no fly zone which should save us about 45 minutes and that's not all I can see some fireworks for us up ahead, looks like we are really in for a treat.

18. Hey there's a first class seat up here for anyone willing to give me a urine sample, no questions asked.

19. As we fly over these mountains we only thought it fitting that the inflight movie this evening should be Alive. The movie about a plane crash in the mountains. Don't worry I am not a cannibal at this point.

20. Mayday Mayday...........oh crap sorry wrong speaker, we were just kidding, everything is fine.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Things you don't want to hear from the loudspeaker when you're on an airplane

1. Folks this is your captain speaking, looks like the toilets got clogged up so your flight attendants are bringing more vomit bags around just in case you can't hold it.

2. Just got a message from the ground crew in LA, how many of you have seen the movie 2012 cause that will save me a lot of time in explaining what's going on down there.

3. For you coach passengers due to the economy we had to make some cutbacks so instead of flotation devices for everyone we have one giant raft for the first 20 people who can swim to it. Good luck swimmers.

4. Welcome aboard we are about 40% sure a terrorist didn't make it on the plane. I guess we will figure it out soon enough.

5. Even though you can't hear the engines running any longer don't worry they are still working just fine.

6. Does anyone know how to fly a 757? If so, please come to the cockpit immediately.

7. Feel free to use whatever electronic devices you would like. I have been feeling pretty depressed lately so what's the difference.

8. For my first time flying I think I am doing really good.

9. Looks like we had some rats get into the peanuts again but
 apparently we have a whole pile of what looks like raisins instead.

10. Ladies and Gentlemen our in-flight movie this evening will be snakes on a plane. And since we didn't have those 3D glasses available we released a few snakes in the cabin just to make it a little more believable.

Monday, June 8, 2015

The 1800's what a century

The top 10 things about living in the 1800's

1. You don't have to worry about getting into a car accident
2. If you are the smelly kid in school you aren't alone
3. There's still a chance of finding some gold in your yard
4. You don't get social security taken out of your paycheck
5. The world was your toilet and people didn't think less of you because of it
6. No pesky toaster fires
7. Dr. Quinn Medicine woman didn't exist yet
8. Your kids were happy with a stick and rock for Christmas
9. Safety scissors weren't invented yet
10. You didn't have to worry if your breath was bad, you just knew it was

Friday, June 5, 2015

I have a great mom

It’s my mom’s birthday today in real life, seriously it is.  So since it’s her birthday, what better gift can I give her than to give her a poem from the heart?  Plus I spent a bunch of money on a father’s gift for myself so I am running a little low on cash.  Either way a gift is a gift. 

Mom it’s your birthday and I hope it’s real great,
I hope next time you rent a hotel room, you get a good rate,
Sorry that my siblings are a little bit weird,
Not everyone’s as cool as me and can grow a beard,
I was your last kid and I think I know why,
I was your favorite; that twinkle in your eye,
Seriously I know I was a little harder than the rest,
I wanna go to KFC and order wings and a breast,
But I need to concentrate and I can’t spend all my money,
I have got to just keep this poem good and funny,
Back to my mom and how cool she is,
She would always stop the car when I needed to wiz,
I would get out and go on the side of the road,
If my pants needed patching they always got sewed,
When I was younger I can’t believe all the stuff I did,
My dad almost killed me when I was a kid,
My mom was there to calm him down,
That wasn’t as bad though as her half frown,
If I saw that, I knew it was bad,
But most of the time things were just rad,
She is really cool—a stand up gal,
I actually know a guy named Hal,
My mom is awesome and is super cool,
Sometimes when I sleep I actually drool,
I haven’t been to the doctor in years,
I need some new tools I can find them at Sears
I have a fork that I use to scratch my back,
It’s getting super late and I need a snack,
Back to my mother and this poem from the heart,
She is like Marge and I am like Bart,
She is the best and you can’t find any better,
I am glad it’s not hotter and I’m not wearing a sweater,
You taught me so much like how to talk,
Happy B-day to you Mom— you certainly rock!

Peace I’m outta here!!!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Wedding Reception Fun

Most wedding receptions have great food to eat, but one of my favorite things I love to do when I go to wedding receptions is signing the guest book.  Signing fun, fake names on guest a book is a classic move.  If you have the right names you are in for a treat just imagining the bride and groom reading the book later on and asking each other, "who is Tess Tickle?"  What a classic move.  Brothers Chip and Buck Tooth often attend many of the same receptions I go to.  Tess Tickle occasionally makes it as well.  Hugh Jass always seem to stop by to say hello.  There are many fun names you can place on the guest list, just make sure it’s not near your actual name and that it’s in different handwriting. 

Sometimes my wife gets embarrassed and says you aren’t going to sign the guest book with any inappropriate names and I say something like of course not, at least not now.  My wife knows me well so really what can she expect from a great guy like me?  I can’t not do that.  Sometimes I will even make an arrow to someone with similar handwriting as me so the couple thinks it’s them writing the fake names.  I do have the handwriting of a 3rd grader so sometimes it’s hard to do because my handwriting is honestly pretty bad, but it works most of the time.  

So next time you find yourself at a wedding reception, instead of sitting around like a moron, go have some guest book fun and enjoy that party a little bit more and if someone asks who you are just tell them you’re here with your buddy Tess or your friend Hugh and walk away. 

SPECIAL NOTE (DISCLAIMER): If I have attended your wedding reception I didn’t do this to your guest book.  I am clearly talking about other guest books at other weddings.  Sincerely, Management