Monday, June 29, 2015

That's Cash in the Bank!!!

Whenever you are heading over to put cash into your bank account it's a great feeling. I like to see my bank balance building or at least getting back to even in some cases and the great news is you can add to that joy of cash in the bank by using one of my fun tips. It's real simple to do and makes for a lot of fun. When it's my turn with the teller I walk up, throw my money on the counter and state, “Legal or not I like making money.” They will normally respond with a look of confusion and awkwardness and you just give them a good shoulder shrug and start smiling and shake your head in agreement with your previous statement. You can throw in the statement, "You probably know what I mean right?" After a good minute of them working my transaction I tell them I am not serious and that I don't sell drugs or anything like that.  This usually gets a lot of laughs and if not, then you aren’t doing it right-- so keep practicing daily. I can do it right every time, but I did invent it.  This isn't for everyone, but true comedians don't care if they makes others laugh, they just like to make themselves laugh.  So next time you find yourself putting some cash in the bank just smile inside and give it a try.

PS.  This is probably not a good idea for all of you that really are involved in illegal activity.  Always keep that in mind and refrain from trying it, even though it's a lot of fun.

Bonus Tip:  Anytime I have to send a bank wire, I make up a story about how I am selling my motorcycle. I tell the teller that some guy contacted me off  my Craigslist post and that he sent me a check for more than the amount of the motorcycle and that he just needs me to wire some money back to him.  This is of course a scam that scammers try and I love to make this story up and watch the teller tell me to wait while they go talk to their manager.  They think I am the victim of some scam and I just keep acting like I don't know any better.  But I do, I have been involved in a lot of scams, both coming and going. You make more money coming, but you have more fun going.  Either way it's a classic prank that normally makes them mad at me, but it's so worth the looks on their faces while the story is being told.  Luckily they can't be too mad at me because I am the customer and a darn good one at that.

PS. Don't actually fall for Craigslist scams.  The tellers always tell me they have these things happen about once a month, so beware.  Also never hand the teller a note or anything like that.  That is NOT considered a joke and they will bust you right down to China Town for that stuff.

Good luck and always remember my personal motto: NSJ= NEVER STOP JOKING!!!!!!!  EVER!!!

Friday, June 26, 2015

Saturday you make us proud

I have been in a poetry kind of mood lately.  What can I say the juices are flowing if you know what I mean.  Enjoy it:

Saturday...a day among days!!!!!

If the days had a fight you would win
A mule once kicked me right in the shin
It hurt like the dickens which is really bad
If you were taken I'd be real sad
For within the 24 hours of your day
I can go to Burger King and have it my way
I can go on vacation or sleep in my bed
I could buy a new mustang and paint it bright red
One man once said that Friday is better
Well he is a nerd that wears a wierd sweater
Everyone knows that Friday was cool
Because as a kid you got out of school
But now it is Saturday that has taken it's place
If you were a wrestler you would spit in our face
Saturday surely is the best day all week
For everyone alive even if your a geek
So tomorrow is my day what shall I do
I  could fake an injury and then I could sue
I think I need a break from the writing
I will go on a hike and make up a bear siting
I like making up stories that's for sure
I could make up a illness and then sell the cure
As you can see the list could be long
You best not get caught with a crazy bong
That would be bad and you might go to jail
Those fences are high and difficult to scale
But that's what you might get if you were smoking the weed
Here's to Saturday the best day indeed

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Things you don't want to hear from your babysitter when you get home

1. Does it normally take a baby four hours to cry themselves to sleep? I just found a quiet spot and waited it out.

2. The kids had some "accidents" so I just spread out newspaper on the floor and just let them roam free.

3. The kids kept getting out of the crib so I turned it upside down.  I like to think of a crib as less of a sleeping area and more of a prison cell.  It makes it easier to keep track of them. 

4. Your six month old loved the honey I gave them.

5. I let your kids go to the park, I assume they are still there, who knows really.

6. I think the TV screen was cracked before I got here.

7. Your kids started watching a movie that my parents won't let me watch so that's why I am out in the garage.  They started it a few hours ago.

8.  Glad you are back, the ambulance just left, we should probably get to the hospital.

9. I found your candy stash.  I had to go through most of the drawers in your bedroom, but I found it.

10. The CO2 detector went off so I took it outside to get some fresh air.  The kids slept right through it though.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Things you don't want to hear on a blind date

1. Look at you, you don't look as bad as I thought you would.

And so after they found me legally insane all the charges were dismissed.  Now I can cross the state line without any issues.

3. I've been divorced 6 times, but I think you and I could work.

4. I can play the star spangled banner with my arm pit, cool huh?

5. Great news my parents will be joining us tonight as well.

Just so we're clear up front it's gonna be 75 dollars for the first hour then 50 for every additional hour.

Oh no I accidentally forgot my wallet can you cover this meal and I'll get the next one.

My therapist said I need to try and meet new people since most of my friends are imaginary.

9. Looks like you didn't shave, well neither did I.

10. I don't have many shots left so I'm gonna go for it, will you marry me?

Friday, June 19, 2015

It's almost Father's Day!!!!!

It's that time of year again, almost Father's Day Eve, then leading into a glorious day when I as a father, I don't have to do a thing.  To sum it up Father's Day is the only day of the year when I don't really have to be a father, they're your problem today Kelly (Kelly's my wife).  

But the problems I am talking about today aren't my kids, but all the crazy Father's Day ads we have to listen to this time of year.  This is the time of year when all the stores across the country get together and tell us what our dads will want for Father's Day.  I hate listening to all the ads, because not everyone has enough money for a new car or a new gun and sorry sweaters aren't a good summer gift, ya jerks. The only ads I like are the ones I write myself, so if you are out of ideas or out of money or out of both I got you covered.  I came up with a little list of gift ideas that are cheap and easy, much like some of you who are reading this. 

Gift Idea 1: Head on down to th
e library....What's that you say Jacob, the library? That's right the library. They have books and movies and books on tape all sorts of entertainment and it's free. Now I am not telling you to steal, that will be in idea number three, just kidding. Seriously don't steal, just borrow the item, wrap it up and then check it out for a long period of time. You will then have to invite yourself over in a few weeks to retrieve the item from your parent's house, but that could turn into another free meal if you play your cards right. Set it up and knock it down, then return the item and all is good. P.S. If he asks about the library marking on the book tell him it was a very rare book and that you bought it at a library auction, this will make you sound even cooler.

Gift Idea 2: The get out of jail free card. (Use cautiously if your dad is a jailbird.) Dad will know you really care with this one. You can make your own or your neighbor's monopoly game will have these already made for you. No one will miss them since kids these days play video games instead of board games, plus you use your neighbor's just in case you want to play strip monopoly with the wife and you want that card in there. Trust me, it is an important one when playing. Also, seriously to all my friends if I personally ever need to borrow a board game please just loan it to me and don't ask a bunch of questions.  Thanks.

Gift Idea 3: Vacation brochures - those little brochures can turn an ordinary vacation into an extraordinary vacation. Simply go down to your locally owned travel agency, yes they do still exist although a dying breed, and tell them you are dying and that you are traveling the world before you go (die). This usually brings a tear to their eye which is fun in it's own right, but don't forget you are there for the vacation brochures. Just get in and get out, but if you use that line you can have brochures from all over the world and for free. Promotional items - LOL - suckers.  When dad sees that you have taken the time to check out the world of travel for him he will appreciate your hard work.

Gift Idea 4: Deer Jerky Necklace - Nothing says man like a deer jerky necklace.  All you need is a little deer jerky and some string and you are set.  There are tons of deer out there and they are just prancing around wanting to help you give your dad something nice.  I am in no way saying you should poach, but if you run one over with your car then that's totally different.  There's no shame in picking up roadkill.  I have had many great meals using roadkill with many of you that have come to my home.  No shame in it at all.  

Gift Idea 5: This one is my favorite but takes some planning sometimes years in the making. Now days everyone likes to go out to eat and an often popular gift idea is the ever convenient restaurant gift card. Although a great idea, if you are a millionaire, for someone on a tight budget that might be a little out of your price range. So let me introduce you to the, 10th meal is free card. Sure it doesn't pay for the full meal and sure your dad might have to go to that certain diner six more times before he can get the free meal, but you did your part. You knocked out the first four meals, so that really is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year, or at least it will take him a year before he gets the prize, but either way you feel good and he feels loved. 

I hope these ideas brighten your holiday and that you are able to now relax a little.  After all it is a major holiday.   

Oh and to my own children all I really want on Father's Day is not to be bothered, maybe a hammock, TV remote, and a new gun, so don't come home until I have all of the listed items.  Thanks.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Secrets to Surviving Alone in the Wilderness

I have actually never been lost in the wilderness, unless you count last weekend in my yard as I was weeding it. Other than that I have been A-okay. I guess it is my great sense of direction combined with my strong will to live, but either way I have been good.  I have been on many outdoor excursions, but never lost thank goodness. But for those of you that find yourselves in the woods alone and afraid use these 10 tips and not only survive, but thrive in comfort and style.

1. Never go into the wilderness alone. If you are not alone you will not have to survive alone thus killing like several birds with one stone.  

2. Secret number 2 was actually used in secret number 1 as well and that is killing several birds. If you are alone killing birds can be a fun way to pass the time and a great source of food. Killing several at a time allows you to fill your stomach and then using the sun's rays you can make bird jerky for the rest of the time you are out in the wilderness.

3. Using pine cones, sticks and other wilderness supplies make a outdoor version of your significant other.  At this point in your life if you do not yet have a significant other then really what's the point of living anyway. Dig a grave and climb in. Just kidding there are still reasons for you to live. You can make a pine cone dummy of whoever you would like, have fun with it. Even if rescue comes and you are kissing your pine cone dummy, don't worry your significant other won't be mad, because again it's a pine cone dummy. Either way this will greatly help morale.

4. Watch a lot of Surviorman, Dual Survival, Remote Survival and Man vs Wild re-runs before you go into the woods. I don't remember any survival techniques from the shows, but it basically just shows you to be a daredevil and you will be fine. This will help when that stupid voice called your conscience says no Jacob you might break your leg if you jump that far. Confidence always shuts that jerk up and by watching those shows you will think you can survive anything.

5. Find a roadway, preferrably paved. If you could find one with a car driving by that would even be better. If you do find a car use your field knife to flag the car down. No one will stop for you if you smell like you haven't had a shower in days so you must use your knife to stop them.

6. Carry a cell phone. After you have built your tent of pine needles you will need something to do and with a cell phone you can play games or text or call people. That will keep you connected so it doesn't seem like you are by yourself.

7. Make a tree fort. This can keep your mind off of starving and if you have ever seen Swiss Family Robinson you can make a killer tree fort from stuff you salvage from ship wrecks in the area. NOTE: If you didn't get lost near a ship wreck then this secret isn't for you.

8. Make a loin cloth and shoes out of the feathers that you can get off of the birds that you killed in secret 2. Save your clothes for when you are rescued. You want to look cool and clean when you come down off the mountain in the helicopter. You might smell, but the stench will be covered up by the cleanliness of the clothing you have on.

9. Never scream or yell help. The only ones that will hear will be animals that want to kill you and eat your dead carcass. The only time you should yell help is if you are being eaten by an animal. When yelling this it will bring another animal over to you and unless the animals are friends they will start fighting thus allowing for an easy escape. If they are friends then you are kind of screwed because you will most likely get eaten quicker. Either way this will help because it will either put you out of your misery or let you escape. You have about a 50-50 shot at this point.

10. After hearing these secrets just make good and sure you want to be in the wilderness and if not don't go.

I hope these help. If you do plan a hike I would take the time to print these off and keep them in a waterproof storage container in case you do lose your way and haven't memorized these yet.  Good luck and keep cool and/or warm depending on the conditions of where you are located.  Peace out!!

Monday, June 15, 2015

10 Things you don't want to hear on your honeymoon

1. I am sure glad we signed that prenup.
2. Your engagement ring is actually made mostly from recycled glass.
3. Settling for you wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
4. I have a surprise for you.  My parents came with us, they're in the next room over.
5. Oh finally I can stop working out and eat what I want.
6. How much life insurance do you have again?
7. I think we might want to consider seeing other people.
8. Can we start working on my immigration papers right away?
9. My other wife is gonna like you.
10. My mom just called, turns out we're related.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Ten more things you don't want to hear from the loudspeaker of the airplane

11. This thing has a lot more buttons and levers than the school bus I am used to driving.

12. Luckily I only had a few shots before we left so I am still mostly sober.

13. For your safety we have two TSA agents coming around and gropping each of you row by row. We call it our new "just in case you snuck something onboard" policy.

14. This is your captain speaking I have some good news and some really bad news, what do you want first?

15. Folks sorry for the bumpy ride the last few minutes, I dosed off for a bit there but looks like everything is just fine now. Sit back, relax and enjoy the next several hours of flying.

16. Studies show that we are safer flying then driving , but if the gas gauge is accurate we might be proving that theory wrong.

17. Great news I decided to take a short cut over a no fly zone which should save us about 45 minutes and that's not all I can see some fireworks for us up ahead, looks like we are really in for a treat.

18. Hey there's a first class seat up here for anyone willing to give me a urine sample, no questions asked.

19. As we fly over these mountains we only thought it fitting that the inflight movie this evening should be Alive. The movie about a plane crash in the mountains. Don't worry I am not a cannibal at this point.

20. Mayday Mayday...........oh crap sorry wrong speaker, we were just kidding, everything is fine.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Things you don't want to hear from the loudspeaker when you're on an airplane

1. Folks this is your captain speaking, looks like the toilets got clogged up so your flight attendants are bringing more vomit bags around just in case you can't hold it.

2. Just got a message from the ground crew in LA, how many of you have seen the movie 2012 cause that will save me a lot of time in explaining what's going on down there.

3. For you coach passengers due to the economy we had to make some cutbacks so instead of flotation devices for everyone we have one giant raft for the first 20 people who can swim to it. Good luck swimmers.

4. Welcome aboard we are about 40% sure a terrorist didn't make it on the plane. I guess we will figure it out soon enough.

5. Even though you can't hear the engines running any longer don't worry they are still working just fine.

6. Does anyone know how to fly a 757? If so, please come to the cockpit immediately.

7. Feel free to use whatever electronic devices you would like. I have been feeling pretty depressed lately so what's the difference.

8. For my first time flying I think I am doing really good.

9. Looks like we had some rats get into the peanuts again but
 apparently we have a whole pile of what looks like raisins instead.

10. Ladies and Gentlemen our in-flight movie this evening will be snakes on a plane. And since we didn't have those 3D glasses available we released a few snakes in the cabin just to make it a little more believable.

Monday, June 8, 2015

The 1800's what a century

The top 10 things about living in the 1800's

1. You don't have to worry about getting into a car accident
2. If you are the smelly kid in school you aren't alone
3. There's still a chance of finding some gold in your yard
4. You don't get social security taken out of your paycheck
5. The world was your toilet and people didn't think less of you because of it
6. No pesky toaster fires
7. Dr. Quinn Medicine woman didn't exist yet
8. Your kids were happy with a stick and rock for Christmas
9. Safety scissors weren't invented yet
10. You didn't have to worry if your breath was bad, you just knew it was

Friday, June 5, 2015

I have a great mom

It’s my mom’s birthday today in real life, seriously it is.  So since it’s her birthday, what better gift can I give her than to give her a poem from the heart?  Plus I spent a bunch of money on a father’s gift for myself so I am running a little low on cash.  Either way a gift is a gift. 

Mom it’s your birthday and I hope it’s real great,
I hope next time you rent a hotel room, you get a good rate,
Sorry that my siblings are a little bit weird,
Not everyone’s as cool as me and can grow a beard,
I was your last kid and I think I know why,
I was your favorite; that twinkle in your eye,
Seriously I know I was a little harder than the rest,
I wanna go to KFC and order wings and a breast,
But I need to concentrate and I can’t spend all my money,
I have got to just keep this poem good and funny,
Back to my mom and how cool she is,
She would always stop the car when I needed to wiz,
I would get out and go on the side of the road,
If my pants needed patching they always got sewed,
When I was younger I can’t believe all the stuff I did,
My dad almost killed me when I was a kid,
My mom was there to calm him down,
That wasn’t as bad though as her half frown,
If I saw that, I knew it was bad,
But most of the time things were just rad,
She is really cool—a stand up gal,
I actually know a guy named Hal,
My mom is awesome and is super cool,
Sometimes when I sleep I actually drool,
I haven’t been to the doctor in years,
I need some new tools I can find them at Sears
I have a fork that I use to scratch my back,
It’s getting super late and I need a snack,
Back to my mother and this poem from the heart,
She is like Marge and I am like Bart,
She is the best and you can’t find any better,
I am glad it’s not hotter and I’m not wearing a sweater,
You taught me so much like how to talk,
Happy B-day to you Mom— you certainly rock!

Peace I’m outta here!!!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Wedding Reception Fun

Most wedding receptions have great food to eat, but one of my favorite things I love to do when I go to wedding receptions is signing the guest book.  Signing fun, fake names on guest a book is a classic move.  If you have the right names you are in for a treat just imagining the bride and groom reading the book later on and asking each other, "who is Tess Tickle?"  What a classic move.  Brothers Chip and Buck Tooth often attend many of the same receptions I go to.  Tess Tickle occasionally makes it as well.  Hugh Jass always seem to stop by to say hello.  There are many fun names you can place on the guest list, just make sure it’s not near your actual name and that it’s in different handwriting. 

Sometimes my wife gets embarrassed and says you aren’t going to sign the guest book with any inappropriate names and I say something like of course not, at least not now.  My wife knows me well so really what can she expect from a great guy like me?  I can’t not do that.  Sometimes I will even make an arrow to someone with similar handwriting as me so the couple thinks it’s them writing the fake names.  I do have the handwriting of a 3rd grader so sometimes it’s hard to do because my handwriting is honestly pretty bad, but it works most of the time.  

So next time you find yourself at a wedding reception, instead of sitting around like a moron, go have some guest book fun and enjoy that party a little bit more and if someone asks who you are just tell them you’re here with your buddy Tess or your friend Hugh and walk away. 

SPECIAL NOTE (DISCLAIMER): If I have attended your wedding reception I didn’t do this to your guest book.  I am clearly talking about other guest books at other weddings.  Sincerely, Management