Saturday, August 8, 2015

Turning Family Pictures into loads of fun

What can I say I love to joke, but probably I shouldn't do it all the time. Even though I know that I always do and have no plans of stopping. I hate getting pictures done and I am probably not alone.  So since it's something that I probably should do when my asks me to I thought I better at least try and make it fun,  So here is a tip when getting your pictures taken with the family or by yourself.  What you want to do is tell the photographer you are a little nervous and that you haven't ever done this before, then in about 15 or 20 seconds unzip your pants and ask them if this is when you are supposed to take your pants off.  I keep looking serious so they don't think I am joking.  I do this to every photographer wherever I am at and whoever I am with.  It makes pictures not suck so much.  Once they laugh or look at you strangely just ask them seriously if they have ever filmed anyone naked. I think it is a standard question.  It normally makes them very uncomfortable and want to get things done quicker.  Plus if they are photographing me then I just want to know what they are thinking as they are taking the pictures.  Either way you sped up the process and you had a little fun while doing it.

So next time you are taking pictures give it a try and it won't suck so very bad.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

How I motivate myself

There are lots of motivating things in this world. A gun pointed at my head would get me moving and a breakfast sandwich would get me up in the morning, but for those times when I am feeling down talking to someone really helps. Not just anyone, but there are people in this world that really know how to listen. For me it is me, no one listens to me better then I do. After a while people seem to get tired of my rambling, but not me, I can sit and talk to myself for hours on end. Just this evening I replayed a movie in my head. Dumb and Dumber is a great show isn't it, I would say as we were watching together, well in my head we were watching.  We make jokes together and laugh for hours. You are really only alone if you kill your soul and the both of us are still going strong.

Now I know what you are thinking right now, you are probably thinking
 great post jerk face this has nothing to do with the title of the post, but sadly you are wrong my friend. Most of us if we needed something done and only had a few minutes we would light a fire or call the police, describe ourselves as an assailant and work really hard to be gone when they got there, thus completing the very task that needs to get done. And yes this is very motivating, but one mistake could be costly to the pervert you described aka YOU. Now I know that some people think I am a genius and although tests have partially confirmed this, I don't want that kind of thing getting into my head.

I would like to share my secret to motivation and yes again it is me. Everyone knows your soul is really the strong one. You can be so self motivating that all the prank phone calls to the cops or the self help books that you overpay for won't be needed any longer. No more going to the many therapists you have gone to since you were a kid, because your parents thought you were crazy and said Jacob this is for your own good, all that can be tossed in the garbage including the thyroid medicine--toss that in there as well.   I am my own doctor now and the only medicine I need is self subscribed. So really this is the secret: each and everyday I look myself in the mirror and tell the person looking back at me how much better I am than them. I say, hey if I wanted I could kill you and you would be gone. Now I don't take it overboard to where it is scary--I keep it intense for sure, but tasteful, tasteful and intense I call it. I say over and over I am better then you and you know it. By the time I am done I feel awesome like I can do anything I ever wanted to do. All because I decided to take control of my own mind and live like I was dying or going to die because of what has been said in the mirror. Then at the end of the day I patch things up between the two of us, that is when we laugh and laugh a lot. (Me and ME again). I want to make sure I sleep well and I am not scared something is going to happen, but as always the morning comes and I am back at it again.

Well that's it, that's the big one. The big secret to my success and the reason I am me. Anyway enjoy your next meal and next time you are looking in the mirror think of this story and go to it.

Monday, August 3, 2015

My thoughts while climbing a tree

The other day I was at the park with my family.  It was a nice day and all was well so I thought what the heck lets climb a tree.  Often in life we climb trees, for some of us the tree is a college education, for some of us the tree is starting a business, for me the tree was actually a tree that was planted in the ground that you can actually climb. So I started up the tree and after climbing up 30-40 feet I thought, wow this is not as I remembered it. But what was different I thought? I have done this a ton of times. I used to climb a lot of trees when I was a kid. Then it dawned on me, I did climb a lot of trees as a kid, but it was mostly in the dark and near my neighbors windows. This was during the day and this time it was for the thrill of it. My kids and wife were impressed and this time I was no longer that wierdo starring at you in the dark, I was a man starring down at you in the light of day.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Helping Keep America a Little Safer

I am always thinking of ways to better the situation of life for all (especially if I benefit). As I was thinking this week I thought of an idea that could be money.  It's super exciting so here goes:

Idea: Kidnapping is a big problem, that I believe I can help solve. Kids see strangers and are taught Stranger Danger and if a stranger is trying to grab them, or take them, or hurt them they can yell out, "stranger" or "help me ," but these days those words don't work.  They are outdated because no one wants to help.  Since they are so outdated I thought of a new set of words that will get everyone coming.  I present to you my new Stranger Danger program to be replaced by................ "pervert alert." If a kid is hollering out, "stranger" I am going to think they are taking about another kid that is stranger then they are or if they yell out "help" I will assume they got stuck in a well. Either way, no help needed from me because I don't want to get involved if it is a kid hazing incident and I sure don't want to be in a well, no thanks jerky kids. Now if they are yelling "pervert alert" I will come running. I would want to get a good look at who they think a pervert is and why they are thinking he or she is a pervert. That word alone would get me running over.

Okay, so the good thing about this idea is instead of hearing the same old boring words we would actually hear something that would be more meaningful. We would be more willing to help a kid against a pervert then we would a stranger, again the word sounds so much cooler in this context. Kidnappings could go drop a ton because no one wants to be a pervert lurking around so they would stay away from kids altogether and the only people near the kids would be their parents or people they know or actual perverts that we need to catch.

To any new concept there is a possible downside.   Many people who are just strangers could get called perverts.   And sure if you really are a pervert then you probably don't mind being called a pervert.  But if you are a normal stranger then it might be offensive.  Either way I think it is a fine idea.  If you don't like it, it doesn't mean you are a pervert, it just means you most likely are a pervert.  Seems like now all I have to do is wait for the calls to start flooding in from schools and police agencies asking me to train their people on the new program.  I will update you next week.

Until then - Pervert Alert:)

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Two things I hate and one of them is baby talk

Is baby talk ever cute?  The answer is no.  I don't care how old the baby is or isn't, either way here in America, it's time to learn to speak English and learn to speak it well.  If you have a stuttering issue that is one thing. Sure we will make fun of you for it later in life, but don't add baby talk to the mix that would be both appalling and disgusting.  

I was at the store tonight and guess what happened?  I bought some ice cream, but before the ice cream my wife and I were going through the aisles and guess what I heard?  You guessed it, baby talk.  I said to my wife, "I hate baby talk" and she said, "how old was the kid?" and I said, "it was baby talk, it was a baby."  Apparently some weirdo nut jobs think it is funny to baby talk when they are older which is even more weird and creepy than actual babies talking. 

Anyway, my point is I didn't speak out loud til I was 4 and a half for a reason.  I didn't like baby talk then and I certainly don't like it now.  I might have had to listen to it from the friends I had back then, but I  
skipped that goo goo ga ga junk and spoke words.   And when I spoke them, I spoke them well.  That is what most, no that is what every American should strive for.  Does baby talk have it's place?  Yes, but that place is in the minds of those babies out there and no where else.  I say let's kick that habit like we would smoking or any other disgusting habit.  I can't do it all myself, but together we can make a difference and we can eliminate baby talk forever everywhere.  Bless you all and no more baby talk forever.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Good Quotes Changed For The Better

There are a lot of good quality quotes out there, but they can always be changed for the better. So I took some good quotes and did just that, changed them to make them much much better. Enjoy!!

Answers Below

1. A bird in the hand is worth _______________

Answer: eating even if you end up in the toilet for half the night.

2. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and_________________

Answer: I hope you get punched in the pants.

3. Laughter is the best_______

Answer: way to take money from others.

4. Be careful what you ask for, you may___________

Answer: not get it and be disappointed on your birthday and/or Christmas.

5. Do not leave for tomorrow, what you can ____________

Answer: do next week or have someone else do for you.

6. Dogs are a mans best ______________

Answer: chance of finding a bomb hidden somewhere in your home.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Children Are Our Future...To Fighting Immigration

I know that illegal immigration is a heated issue that we deal with in this country, and although we can complain, really we have no one to blame but ourselves. 

Immigrants normally do the jobs that we don't want to do or won't do because we are "too good to do those jobs." I feel the same way, just as most people, in that I know I am too good to do those jobs, but they do them and are happy to do them. But you know who isn't too good to do them, children. Maybe not mine and maybe not yours, but somewhere in the heart of America are kids who would do these lower paying jobs and sometimes for even lower than the illegal immigrants. 

Don't blame me that this already isn't happening, I never voted for child labor laws.  I think the parents should decide, I mean after all they are the ones who own them til they're 18.  Like most of you I love the song about the children being the future, but can't they be the present as well. And really by allowing those laws to be overturned we could really crank up the economy. Parents with a lot of kids could use that money that their kids earn on whatever they want. Well, I know I don't have all the answers, just the right ones. Think on that. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

If I were a Bear

Life would be so grand if I were a bear. I would be able to go around and eat all of my enemies and it wouldn't be murder.  I guess it might be but I would be able to get away pretty easily.  Bears don't have addresses so they would never find me.  Also bears look alike so even if they did find me it might not be me. I don't really have any enemies at this point so I won't worry about that for now.  Also I could finally eat out of the garbage without getting strange looks from my neighbors. I told them that I thought there was some more Pizza in the box, but I was wrong and so were they for judging me.  Luckily that happened years ago and I don't think I would do that again.  Also I could hire myself out as an assassin. I would eat people for money, now we're talking, no more of the crap I currently do.  Also if I were a bear I would roam without pants similar to what I do on Saturday mornings in my living room. I think since I am not a bear, what I really want is a pet bear that I can train to run my errands.  I love Saturdays and I like bears. Bless you bears, and try not to eat anymore people I like you crazy bunch of perverts.

Monday, July 20, 2015

A few of the DUMBEST things I have ever done

1. When I was ten I bet my friend that Doogie Hoosier was a real medical doctor.  I was a little off and would have lost 300 dollars, luckily I never paid him.

2. Once when my parents and I were on a road trip, just me and them, I made a sign that said help I am being kidnapped and put it in the window in the backseat where I was sitting.  Luckily this was back before everyone had a cell phone or else it could have been a really fun situation.  Kids don't try that at home or in the car either.  My parents, especially my dad was very angry with me and needless to say I felt really bad, mainly because I got caught.

3. I ate a couple castor beans on a dare which apparently contain ricin.  Ricin is a very dangerous and deadly poison.  Oops I should have been paying a lot more attention on that field trip.  I guess I should have noticed the skull and cross bones by that planter.  I guess I should have listened to my friends when they said those are poisonous, no seriously they are.  I guess I should have thought twice about eating anything on that field trip to the college greenhouse.  I was thinking all that when the campus cop picked me up and took me to the hospital, where they had to give me 3 glasses of liquid charcoal.  As the saying goes, " old enough to know better, but still to stupid to care.  For the record I was only 16 at the time.  So really too young to care.  

Actually that is it.  Those are the only dumb things I have ever done and probably will do sounds like, at least until the next time.

Friday, July 17, 2015

I have some good news and some bad news

So the good news is I got some news socks today....................the bad news is I ran out of toilet paper in the men's room just before that. All in all the situation handled itself.