Friday, December 20, 2013

Top Food Scam of the 20th century

Earlier in my life I had a lot of respect for Flipper and his friends for giving up their lives so we could have a taste of their wonderful meat.  But then I found out the well known fact to most that Mahi-Mahi is not really Dolphin but just Dolphin fish.  Apparently Dolphins are mammals and Dolphins are fish.  Thanks a lot to all the school teachers in my life who taught me all kinds of crap except for that little fact.  I felt betrayed and angry that day, but life goes on and I will always have my memories of thinking I was eating Free Willies little buddy the Dolphin.  Unfortunately looks like the liberal media won again on that one. Congrats for that victory but the next one is all mine.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

My Sister's Cat Died

My little sister Holly's cat died yesterday so I made her a song to ease the pain.  I am thinking about doing this more often when pet deaths occur so tell your friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjudZ_VSzZU&feature=youtu.be

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Wisdom of the wise

One of my coaches from my youth used to always tell me that if you ever lose a game it doesn't make you a loser, it just makes you a quitter cause quitters never win and winners never quit.  I never understood that til I  watched little league soccer.  Wow inspired words from a coach who barely spoke English.  Thank you again coach those words will be now never be forgotten and often repeated if I am ever allowed to coach again.  

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

TOP 10 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ON YOUR FIRST DATE WITH YOUR ONLINE LOVE INTEREST

10. I have to admit I gave up on dating last year, but when I saw you I knew you would be willing to settle.
9. My therapist said the internet is the best way for me to meet new people.
8. And so after they found me legally insane all the charges were dismissed.  Now I can cross the state line without any issues.
7. You looked better in your profile picture, but looks aren't that important to me anyway.
6. Just so we're clear up front it's gonna be 75 dollars for the first hour then 50 for every hour thereafter.  
5. Oh no I accidentally forgot my wallet can you cover this meal and I'll get the next one.
4. Let me cut to the chase here, I feel no attraction to you whatsoever but I am here illegally and need to be married by the end of next week.  Does this still interest you?
3. I made up a song for our first date that I will now play using my armpit.
2. You don't watch America's Most Wanted very often, right?  Cause if you do this could get weird.
1. So if you join my cult you can soon be married to the leader which is me.

Monday, May 14, 2012

My advice for taking care of babies

I don't know much about babies and really don't want to learn, but if you find yourself having to watch a baby these steps will ensure you don't stick your head in the microwave or run yourself over with your car cause you just can't take it anymore.

1. If the baby is already crying then it's best to let it continue til it falls asleep.  Just so you know it normally takes a baby 4 to 6 hours to cry themselves to sleep so just find a quiet spot and wait it out.

2. spread out newspaper on the floor and just let the baby roam around without any pants on.  That is what I like to do so I figure a baby would like that as well. 

3. Think of a crib as less of a sleeping area and more of a prison cell that can't be escaped from. 

4. Babies love honey and syrup. 

5. Babies are not to be thrown around so please be careful with them, oh and they can't swim real well either.

6. Babies are nightowls so if you are up and want some company the baby is always the best one to wake up.

7. Babies are great at eating all the scraps off the floor, so no need for a broom.

8. Also baby back ribs are actually not from babies that is just a helpful hint.

9. Babies love watching whatever TV show you decide to watch, cause they don't know the difference.  What a bunch of suckers, literally.

10. If a baby gets too out of hand, put them in time out for a while.  They might keep doing the same thing over and over, but years from now they will thank you for the disipline.

P.S. Please don't share this with my wife, she would be a little bit upset mostly with me and partly her for leaving me with our kids.

DISCLAIMER: ANYONE WHO FOLLOWS THIS ADVICE IS DOING SO UNDER THEIR OWN STUPIDITY AND NOT MINE.  I WILL COUNTER SUE IF YOU TRY AND SUE AND I MIGHT EVEN IF YOU DON'T.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Some of my old pick up lines

For all you single guys wondering how to get the dates and girls, I think I have the answers.  Today I broke open my dating notebook and found these little gems, some of the best pick up lines you will ever hear.  I was going to save them for my boys, but decided I would do the next best thing and share them on my blog.  This sums up everything I know about women in a nut shell and all my good material.  Okay here goes:

1. If I forget your name, don't worry about it cause I date a lot of girls. (Then wink)

ME SPEAKING: If I know women they love it when you don't remember their name and when your a real jerk about it.  If we have learned anything from any teen movie it's that the jerk always ends up with the girl.  And when you say you date a lot of girls it shows you are popular.

2. I just put on deodorant, do you want to smell me?  Girls love smells.

3. My friends don't find you attractive, but I am willing to settle.  Need I say more.

4. You have two choices, I can stalk you or you can go out with me?  Which one would you prefer?

5. Can you give me your number again?  I get so many it's hard to keep track.

6. Do you like cars, cause I own one.

7. I have a bet going with a lot of people and I will split it with you if you pay for a date. 

8. Girls who don't go out with me often end up with slashed tires and keyed cars, would you like to go out?

9. I just got off the phone with the suicide hotline....I just can't handle another rejection.  Do you want to go out?

10. Is that your normal hair style?  Or do you just not care anymore?  As you can see niether do I.

Lots of winking helps too.  Just a little tid bit of information I thought I would also share.

DISCLAIMER: Good luck suckers.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Bucket List for 2012

According to the movie 2012 most of us will be dead this time next year.  I am not one to believe everything I hear, but it was on TV so that gives it a lot of validity.  I can only hope that I am one of the lucky ones, but just in case I'm not, I have prepared my own bucket list. 

1. Learn to fly a plane - that seemed to be one of the most important things on the movie 2012
2. Eat a gas station hot dog and not get sick
3. Challenge someone to a duel while slapping them with a glove
4. Solve a cold case
5. Ride a mountain goat to the top of a mountain
6. Buy some yahoo stock
7. Write a how to kill a mockingbird book that actually gives you instructions on killing mockingbirds
8. Find Waldo and thank him for hours of entertainment
9. Shave the words "this side up" into my hair
10. Buy a cabin in the woods just in case
11. Survive the great flood of 2012 - see the movie for more information
12. Die naked

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I'm a good person

I love to talk to myself, but it's the listening part that drives me crazy.  I think that's what makes me able to listen to others stories and realize that their real life isn't really all that strange compared to what is going on inside my head.  And I am not a good person simply because I am a great listener I am a good person because I keep what's inside my head to myself.  I really am great and you know.  And as I always say a good self image is the only image.  Here's to thinking you are better then you are and acting like it without being a jerk.  Thanks self help books, you did it again.  Your Friend Jacob! 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

A few of the DUMBEST things I have ever done

1. When I was ten I bet my friend that Doogie Hoosier was a real medical doctor.  I was a little off and lost 300 dollars.  I never paid him.

2. Once when my parents and I were on a road trip, just me and them, I made a sign that said help I am being kidnapped and put it in the window in the backseat where I was sitting.  Luckily this was back before everyone had a cell phone or else it could have been a really fun situation.  Kids don't try that at home or in the car either.  My parents weren't happy with me and needless to say I felt really bad cause I got caught.

3. I ate a couple castor beans on a dare which apparently contain ricin.  Ricin is a very dangerous and deadly poison.  Oops I should have been paying a lot more attention on that field trip.  I guess I should have noticed the skull and cross bones by that planter.  I guess I should have listened to my friends when they said those are poisonious, no seriously they are.  I guess I should have thought twice about eating anything on that field trip to the college greenhouse.  I was thinking all that when the campus cop picked me up and took me to the hospital, where they had to give me 3 glasses of liquid charcoal.  As the saying goes, " old enough to know better, but still to stupid to care.  For the record I was only 16 at the time.  So really too young to care.  

4. Starting a blog, this pig takes up a lot of time.  Maybe if I had more visitors it would be worth it.  But I think of giving it up sometimes, because I have a life.  I am not some loser that sits at home all day.  Well at least not most days.  Today I was really tired.  Anyway seriously though I really want more traffic so try and like my facebook page on my blog and tell your friends.  The more visitors I get the more posts I will post.  Back to the dumbest things I have ever done.

Actually that is it.  Those are the only dumb things I have ever done and probably will do sounds like, at least until the next time.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

My Birthday List

Monday is my birthday and I am pumped.  It's the only day I can tell people how I really feel about them right to their face not like I normally do behind their backs.  This is gonna be fun.  Anyway I am sure you are all wondering what to get me so I have compiled my list in the form of a riddle.  I am trying to replace some of my vhs movies with DVD's.  Instead of just writing the name of the movie I will write down a line from the movie.  If you suck at movie trivia then I am not really sure why we are friends and don't want you reading my stories anymore, but if you are good at it then send me a present.  Actually even if you suck at it still try and get me something.  Money is always nice.  If I get enough I might be able to buy food again for my kids.  Anyway list on:

1.  I actually need some pants(jeans) this is not a movie line I could actually use some pants.  No no actually if you get me pants I won't be very happy because most likely they will not fit and won't work out for either of us.  Scratch that idea I will get those myself.
2. Movie Quote #1 - Hey guys. Woah, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later.
3. Movie Quote #2 - If that thing had nine lives, he just spent 'em all. Whoo!

4. I will also take gift cards from restraunts or stores I am not picky. 
5. I will also take cash larger bills preferred
6. Movie Quote #3 - I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.

7. Movie Quote #4 - You know lots of people go to college for seven years.  Yeah, there called doctors
8. Movie Quote #5 - I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in."
9. Movie Quote #6 -  Do you own rubber gloves?  I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.

10. Movie Quote #7 - It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong. I am NOT a big man.


And remember if you can't figure out what movie to get me just send me money, but either way don't be a cheapskate and get me nothing like most of you did last year that wasn't very nice at all for me especially. 

P.S. I know on Facebook I have a different birthday which is actually fake, but I will still take presents then as well.