Ten more things you don't want to hear from the loudspeaker of the airplane

11. This thing has a lot more buttons and levers than the school bus I am used to driving.

12. Luckily I only had a few shots before we left so I am still mostly sober. 

13. For your safety we have two TSA agents coming around and gropping each of you row by row. We call it our new "just in case you snuck something onboard" policy. 

14. This is your captain speaking I have some good news and some really bad news, what do you want first? 

15. Folks sorry for the bumpy ride the last few minutes, I dosed off for a bit there but looks like everything is just fine now. Sit back, relax and enjoy the next several hours of flying. 

16. Studies show that we are safer flying then driving , but if the gas gauge is accurate we might be proving that theory wrong. 

17. Great news I decided to take a short cut over a no fly zone which should save us about 45 minutes and that's not all I can see some fireworks for us up ahead, looks like we are really in for a treat. 

18. Hey there's a first class seat up here for anyone willing to give me a urine sample, no questions asked. 

19. As we fly over these mountains we only thought it fitting that the inflight movie this evening should be Alive. The movie about a plane crash in the mountains. Don't worry I am not a cannibal at this point. 

20. Mayday Mayday...........oh crap sorry wrong speaker, we were just kidding, everything is fine.