Friday, July 31, 2015

Helping Keep America a Little Safer

I am always thinking of ways to better the situation of life for all (especially if I benefit). As I was thinking this week I thought of an idea that could be money.  It's super exciting so here goes:

Idea: Kidnapping is a big problem, that I believe I can help solve. Kids see strangers and are taught Stranger Danger and if a stranger is trying to grab them, or take them, or hurt them they can yell out, "stranger" or "help me ," but these days those words don't work.  They are outdated because no one wants to help.  Since they are so outdated I thought of a new set of words that will get everyone coming.  I present to you my new Stranger Danger program to be replaced by................ "pervert alert." If a kid is hollering out, "stranger" I am going to think they are taking about another kid that is stranger then they are or if they yell out "help" I will assume they got stuck in a well. Either way, no help needed from me because I don't want to get involved if it is a kid hazing incident and I sure don't want to be in a well, no thanks jerky kids. Now if they are yelling "pervert alert" I will come running. I would want to get a good look at who they think a pervert is and why they are thinking he or she is a pervert. That word alone would get me running over.

Okay, so the good thing about this idea is instead of hearing the same old boring words we would actually hear something that would be more meaningful. We would be more willing to help a kid against a pervert then we would a stranger, again the word sounds so much cooler in this context. Kidnappings could go drop a ton because no one wants to be a pervert lurking around so they would stay away from kids altogether and the only people near the kids would be their parents or people they know or actual perverts that we need to catch.

To any new concept there is a possible downside.   Many people who are just strangers could get called perverts.   And sure if you really are a pervert then you probably don't mind being called a pervert.  But if you are a normal stranger then it might be offensive.  Either way I think it is a fine idea.  If you don't like it, it doesn't mean you are a pervert, it just means you most likely are a pervert.  Seems like now all I have to do is wait for the calls to start flooding in from schools and police agencies asking me to train their people on the new program.  I will update you next week.

Until then - Pervert Alert:)

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Two things I hate and one of them is baby talk

Is baby talk ever cute?  The answer is no.  I don't care how old the baby is or isn't, either way here in America, it's time to learn to speak English and learn to speak it well.  If you have a stuttering issue that is one thing. Sure we will make fun of you for it later in life, but don't add baby talk to the mix that would be both appalling and disgusting.  

I was at the store tonight and guess what happened?  I bought some ice cream, but before the ice cream my wife and I were going through the aisles and guess what I heard?  You guessed it, baby talk.  I said to my wife, "I hate baby talk" and she said, "how old was the kid?" and I said, "it was baby talk, it was a baby."  Apparently some weirdo nut jobs think it is funny to baby talk when they are older which is even more weird and creepy than actual babies talking. 

Anyway, my point is I didn't speak out loud til I was 4 and a half for a reason.  I didn't like baby talk then and I certainly don't like it now.  I might have had to listen to it from the friends I had back then, but I  
skipped that goo goo ga ga junk and spoke words.   And when I spoke them, I spoke them well.  That is what most, no that is what every American should strive for.  Does baby talk have it's place?  Yes, but that place is in the minds of those babies out there and no where else.  I say let's kick that habit like we would smoking or any other disgusting habit.  I can't do it all myself, but together we can make a difference and we can eliminate baby talk forever everywhere.  Bless you all and no more baby talk forever.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Good Quotes Changed For The Better

There are a lot of good quality quotes out there, but they can always be changed for the better. So I took some good quotes and did just that, changed them to make them much much better. Enjoy!!

Answers Below

1. A bird in the hand is worth _______________

Answer: eating even if you end up in the toilet for half the night.

2. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and_________________

Answer: I hope you get punched in the pants.

3. Laughter is the best_______

Answer: way to take money from others.

4. Be careful what you ask for, you may___________

Answer: not get it and be disappointed on your birthday and/or Christmas.

5. Do not leave for tomorrow, what you can ____________

Answer: do next week or have someone else do for you.

6. Dogs are a mans best ______________

Answer: chance of finding a bomb hidden somewhere in your home.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Children Are Our Future...To Fighting Immigration

I know that illegal immigration is a heated issue that we deal with in this country, and although we can complain, really we have no one to blame but ourselves. 

Immigrants normally do the jobs that we don't want to do or won't do because we are "too good to do those jobs." I feel the same way, just as most people, in that I know I am too good to do those jobs, but they do them and are happy to do them. But you know who isn't too good to do them, children. Maybe not mine and maybe not yours, but somewhere in the heart of America are kids who would do these lower paying jobs and sometimes for even lower than the illegal immigrants. 

Don't blame me that this already isn't happening, I never voted for child labor laws.  I think the parents should decide, I mean after all they are the ones who own them til they're 18.  Like most of you I love the song about the children being the future, but can't they be the present as well. And really by allowing those laws to be overturned we could really crank up the economy. Parents with a lot of kids could use that money that their kids earn on whatever they want. Well, I know I don't have all the answers, just the right ones. Think on that. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

If I were a Bear

Life would be so grand if I were a bear. I would be able to go around and eat all of my enemies and it wouldn't be murder.  I guess it might be but I would be able to get away pretty easily.  Bears don't have addresses so they would never find me.  Also bears look alike so even if they did find me it might not be me. I don't really have any enemies at this point so I won't worry about that for now.  Also I could finally eat out of the garbage without getting strange looks from my neighbors. I told them that I thought there was some more Pizza in the box, but I was wrong and so were they for judging me.  Luckily that happened years ago and I don't think I would do that again.  Also I could hire myself out as an assassin. I would eat people for money, now we're talking, no more of the crap I currently do.  Also if I were a bear I would roam without pants similar to what I do on Saturday mornings in my living room. I think since I am not a bear, what I really want is a pet bear that I can train to run my errands.  I love Saturdays and I like bears. Bless you bears, and try not to eat anymore people I like you crazy bunch of perverts.

Monday, July 20, 2015

A few of the DUMBEST things I have ever done

1. When I was ten I bet my friend that Doogie Hoosier was a real medical doctor.  I was a little off and would have lost 300 dollars, luckily I never paid him.

2. Once when my parents and I were on a road trip, just me and them, I made a sign that said help I am being kidnapped and put it in the window in the backseat where I was sitting.  Luckily this was back before everyone had a cell phone or else it could have been a really fun situation.  Kids don't try that at home or in the car either.  My parents, especially my dad was very angry with me and needless to say I felt really bad, mainly because I got caught.

3. I ate a couple castor beans on a dare which apparently contain ricin.  Ricin is a very dangerous and deadly poison.  Oops I should have been paying a lot more attention on that field trip.  I guess I should have noticed the skull and cross bones by that planter.  I guess I should have listened to my friends when they said those are poisonous, no seriously they are.  I guess I should have thought twice about eating anything on that field trip to the college greenhouse.  I was thinking all that when the campus cop picked me up and took me to the hospital, where they had to give me 3 glasses of liquid charcoal.  As the saying goes, " old enough to know better, but still to stupid to care.  For the record I was only 16 at the time.  So really too young to care.  

Actually that is it.  Those are the only dumb things I have ever done and probably will do sounds like, at least until the next time.

Friday, July 17, 2015

I have some good news and some bad news

So the good news is I got some news socks today....................the bad news is I ran out of toilet paper in the men's room just before that. All in all the situation handled itself.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Top Food Scam of the 20th century

I used to love Mahi-Mahi.  It's a great tasting meat and really a good time had by all when your eating it.  I had a lot of respect for Flipper and his friends for giving up their lives so we could have a taste.  Recently though I found out the well-known fact to most that Mahi-Mahi is not really Dolphin but just Dolphin fish.  Apparently Dolphins are mammals and Dolphins are fish.  Thanks a lot to all the school teachers in my life who taught me all kinds of crap except for that little fact.  I felt betrayed and angry that day, but life goes on and I will always have my memories of thinking I was eating Free Willies little buddy the Dolphin.  Unfortunately looks like the liberal media won again on that one. Congrats for that victory but don't count on it again.  

Monday, July 13, 2015

College nicknames my brother once had.

1. The Midnight Tennis Player
2. Little Tom the Peeper
3. Broccoli & Cheese
4. The Chinese Needle Snake
5. The Real Corn Chowder
6. Bouncy Nips
7. The Texas Fondler
8. Captain Unicorn Killer
9. Wiener Roll Up
10. Cheese Balls

He only went to one semester of college, but he accomplished more in one semester than most students accomplish in 4 years.  He was a great student but a better man in general.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Ways to Make Extra Money

In these tough economic times people are always trying to figure out ways to make extra money.  It's tough out there and with four kids and one on the way, believe you me, I understand.  Well to clarify I am not certain that "one is on the way" but you just never know so I always like to plan ahead just in case.  Planning for another one is always important, either way no matter how many kids you have you need to have ways of making some extra cash. So I came up with a few unconventional and exciting ways to earn a couple extra dollars.  In no particular order here they are.  

1. Start a spade and neutering business - This is not as regulated as being a doctor so you should be okay to go for it. I found out the hard way that you have to have a license to practice medicine, but I am pretty sure animals are okay to work on in your spare time. If you live in Mexico I still think you are okay to practice medicine so keep that in mind if you ever find yourself needing some coin south of the border.

2. Become an accident victim - everyone has insurance these days for all sorts of things and a lot of times you can even get 'out of court' settlements which turns into quick cash.  I have four lawsuits going right now and a couple of the people are just paying me to go away.  This country is awesome isn't it? 

3. Start a lottery - This one does take some sales skills since you will have to sell tickets, but since you run the lottery you can make sure that you always have the winning ticket exactly where you want it. You get a distant, shifty relative involved and boom you just made yourself a fist full of dollars.  That's money in the bank.

4. Start a swear jar company - All you need are jars and people that swear, which you shouldn't have any trouble finding. I know some of you that I could make so much money off of.  Put a few jars up around town, sit back, relax and plan for a big score at the months end.

5. Start a school fundraiser - kids are suckers and so are most of the parents if they get a paper sent home from school asking you to donate. All you have to do is volunteer once at the school and when the teacher isn't looking, stick a flyer in each kids backpack asking them to mail checks to your P.O. Box. It is as easy as that. Just ask my wife, she volunteers a lot and we have a P.O. Box.

6. Lemonade Stand - Will Rogers once said, "buy land they ain't making any more of it." Well that is great advice when you lived back in Will Roger's time, but now try and get a loan for land. You can't hardly do it. So the next best thing is a lemonade stand. The mark-up is incredible and if you skimp on the sugar your profits can skyrocket even more. Something to remember, only try this one Saturday every few months. If you do it more then that you won't get any return business because people will remember how crappy your lemonade was.

7. Three words - pot of gold.  Three more words - end of rainbow.  I think I might have said too much already.

8. Coloring Contest Winner - Sure you need kids for this little winner but it's an easy money deal so if you have kids, you're golden.  There are always coloring contests your kids can enter throughout the year, but most kids stink at drawing and coloring.  Unless you have a Van Gogh for a son or daughter then no kid is going to beat an adult at coloring.  You simply put their name on the art work, sign off and put your kid's name and consider yourself a winner.  Sometimes the contests even give away cash and prizes so everyone is a winner.  I have won almost every time I have entered these types of contests.  And if you are lucky then you can get a child's meal and some spending money.  Food and fun and money, that's a winning combo if I have ever seen one. 

Well that's enough for now.  I can't give all my secrets away, I have a family to feed.  Bless you all and until next time, peace out.


Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Thanks to those that help me, even if you don't talk back.

In my younger years I used to take things for granted, I would often forget to say thanks.  Through a series of life events that has changed and I have become more thankful.  I am not perfect, yet, but I feel I am pretty thankful.  I try and teach my kids to always be thankful and grateful.  I always tell them there are two things I really want them to learn from me.  The first is how to work and the second is how to be grateful & thankful.  Now in my life thankfulness runs deep in my blood. If you cut me open blood and thankfulness would come spewing out and depending on if I have sold my blood that day it could be mostly thankfulness. Someone once told me that it is better to be thanked than thank.  I thought for so long that guy was an idiot, but the idiot was me.  It turned out I was wrong I just didn't know it yet.

Thanking has actually become a very addictive hobby for me, more so than crack cocaine which I have never tried but I assume it is.  I often thank people I don't even know and thank people I do know numerous times.  I have also started thanking animals; horses, cattle, the cat who always is in my back yard even though I don't want him there, badgers and bears, and anything I can find. But yesterday I was feeling a little down thinking maybe I could do more to be even more thankful.  

For about an hour I thought who else could I possibly thank.  Luckily my mind is wise and it came to me.  What are the things we really take for granted and who never get thanked at all?  Well the answer is simple, we like to call these things appliances, tools and car parts.   They do a lot of the work so we don't have to.  So from that moment on I vowed to make sure I thank those things and make sure they know I care.

Sure I spend time with the wife and kids, but after they are all tucked in I lean in close and say thank you to my washer and dryer and even that red headed step child called the garbage disposal. How many of you have hugged a light bulb recently? I wouldn't recommend a hot one, but if you are changing the light bulb and one is going in the trash that might be a good time to say thanks or great job giving us light for those several months. I am not some nut who talks to everything, but I am one of those nuts who thanks everything. I am not telling you to make out with a light socket and believe me you don't want to do that, but I am telling you that being thankful is something that will come the more you do it.  There is no shame in publicly thanking a nail that holds up your fake diploma or family picture you may or may not have. There is no reason to care that others, including me, might call you "the town weirdo" for holding your tire iron and jack in your arms and hugging them tightly right after you fix a flat.  I would even say it's disgusting if you don't.  And I would call you the town weirdo for other reasons anyway.

Either way my point is this.  As for me I am now a full fledged thanker, whether it be human or not, I will give thanks.  I suggest next time something or someone helps you, you don't let them or it go without saying thanks. I just hugged my computer and told it how much I cared and now is your opportunity to thank yours.

Again I am not some nutbar that lives in his parents basement, mainly because my parents don't have a basement and I have 4 kids and it would get really crowded, but either way I am not that guy.  I just know that thanking those who can't talk back is just as sane as I am.  So the next time you arrive at work on time why not hug that tire, either one doesn't matter just hug one and tell it how glad you are to get to work and hug it when you get home just to let it know you care.  Your face will thank me if you do and you will feel good inside and out.

Just to clarify I don't use any drugs.  Thanks so much for reading and until next time THANK YOU for being here and especially thank you if you like and share me on facebook or whatever system you kids are using these days.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Things you don't want to say to new parents

1. Your baby is beautiful, I wonder where they get it from?

2. Looks like someone's gained some weight... I mean the baby, the baby's gained weight.

3. I can't recall the baby's name.  Also is it a boy or girl?  I can't remember that either and I can't really tell from looking at it.

4. Wow, I didn't think you would stay married for longer than three months and now you guys have a baby.  That's great, you sure proved me wrong.

5. Honestly all baby's are ugly to me, it's not just your baby.  Frankly, I think they smell and are just disgusting.

6. I think he will grow out of his baby face.  He won't look like that forever.  I'm sure it's gonna get better.

7. If you need baby photos done, there is some creepster on Craigslist doing pics for free, just trying to get the word out.  You might want to look into it.  He mentioned doing "special pictures" so I am sure baby photos would fit into that category.

8. So does she do any tricks or anything?  I don't know why people get so excited about babies, it seems like they just sit there and do nothing all day.

9. Talk about baby fat, that thing is huge!  Looks like you got yourself a future sumo wrestler.

10. I did not see you guys having kids.  You just don't seem like children people.  In fact I actually thought you hated children and would hurt them if you could.  Yet here we are.

Friday, July 3, 2015


As American's we seem to be losing more and more freedom's each and every year. The government, whether it's the state government, or the local city, or county government, or the dreaded federal government, we are getting rights pulled from us each and every day. George Washington and Tommy Jefferson wouldn't be happy at all.  But, they can still be glad there's one right that they can't take away. As an American I am glad that each and every day I have the right, no the privilege to mark my territory and pee in my own yard. Unless there is a good wind coming back to you, taking a leak in your yard just feels nice. Front yard or back yard, it really doesn't matter. It is your right and privilege as an American. If that right isn't protected then really which ones are?

I say if dogs can mark their territory then so can I. No, dog is better than me, except for that talking dog on the baked bean commercials on TV or Underdog in the movie Underdog. Those dogs might be better than me, but other than that Sparky can move over cause there's a new dog in town....aka ME. Oh I forgot to mention White Fang he is pretty awesome as well. He isn't better than me, but does deserve a mention. So tomorrow as you are lighting off fireworks and being thankful for our freedoms, don't forget this freedom and let it rain. Also it's a great time to be grateful you aren't my neighbor.

DISCLAIMER: To my neighbors next time you are near my yard and it sounds like rain, but no clouds are in the sky, just keep walking and know that my walls are high for a reason!!!!


Wednesday, July 1, 2015

10 More Things You Don't Want To Hear On A Blind Date

1. I know we've been talking for about an hour now but what's your name again?  I date a lot of girls so it's really hard to keep track, I guess that just shows I'm popular.

2. So you mentioned your dad is rich right?  Because I am looking for a girl who can afford me.

3. I am glad we were set up like this.  I was told you weren't very attractive, but appearances aren't important to me at all.

4. Now that we're wrapping things up I just had to say I really like you.  At this point I have two choices, I can stalk you or you can go out with me again.  Which one would you prefer?

5. I am not used to being fully clothed like this.  This is something very foreign to me.

6. Some people say I am cheap, but I like to think of it as thrifty.  When we head back to my place I can show you the two couches I found on the side of the road.

7. I hope you can afford this.  I am a big eater.  

8. Girls who don't go out with me after the first date often end up with slashed tires and keyed cars.  Just wanted to throw that out there before we call it a night.

9. I often call the suicide hotline...I just can't handle another rejection so I hope you and I work out.

10. I hope you don't mind but I brought my cat with me tonight.  I can't go anywhere without him.