It's that time of year again, almost Father's Day Eve, then leading into a glorious day when I as a father, I don't have to do a thing. To sum it up Father's Day is the only day of the year when I don't really have to be a father, they're your problem today Kelly (Kelly's my wife).
But the problems I am talking about today aren't my kids, but all the crazy Father's Day ads we have to listen to this time of year. This is the time of year when all the stores across the country get together and tell us what our dads will want for Father's Day. I hate listening to all the ads, because not everyone has enough money for a new car or a new gun and sorry sweaters aren't a good summer gift, ya jerks. The only ads I like are the ones I write myself, so if you are out of ideas or out of money or out of both I got you covered. I came up with a little list of gift ideas that are cheap and easy, much like some of you who are reading this.
Gift Idea 1: Head on down to the library....What's that you say Jacob, the library? That's right the library. They have books and movies and books on tape all sorts of entertainment and it's free. Now I am not telling you to steal, that will be in idea number three, just kidding. Seriously don't steal, just borrow the item, wrap it up and then check it out for a long period of time. You will then have to invite yourself over in a few weeks to retrieve the item from your parent's house, but that could turn into another free meal if you play your cards right. Set it up and knock it down, then return the item and all is good. P.S. If he asks about the library marking on the book tell him it was a very rare book and that you bought it at a library auction, this will make you sound even cooler.
Gift Idea 2: The get out of jail free card. (Use cautiously if your dad is a jailbird.) Dad will know you really care with this one. You can make your own or your neighbor's monopoly game will have these already made for you. No one will miss them since kids these days play video games instead of board games, plus you use your neighbor's just in case you want to play strip monopoly with the wife and you want that card in there. Trust me, it is an important one when playing. Also, seriously to all my friends if I personally ever need to borrow a board game please just loan it to me and don't ask a bunch of questions. Thanks.
Gift Idea 3: Vacation brochures - those little brochures can turn an ordinary vacation into an extraordinary vacation. Simply go down to your locally owned travel agency, yes they do still exist although a dying breed, and tell them you are dying and that you are traveling the world before you go (die). This usually brings a tear to their eye which is fun in it's own right, but don't forget you are there for the vacation brochures. Just get in and get out, but if you use that line you can have brochures from all over the world and for free. Promotional items - LOL - suckers. When dad sees that you have taken the time to check out the world of travel for him he will appreciate your hard work.
Gift Idea 4: Deer Jerky Necklace - Nothing says man like a deer jerky necklace. All you need is a little deer jerky and some string and you are set. There are tons of deer out there and they are just prancing around wanting to help you give your dad something nice. I am in no way saying you should poach, but if you run one over with your car then that's totally different. There's no shame in picking up roadkill. I have had many great meals using roadkill with many of you that have come to my home. No shame in it at all.
Gift Idea 5: This one is my favorite but takes some planning sometimes years in the making. Now days everyone likes to go out to eat and an often popular gift idea is the ever convenient restaurant gift card. Although a great idea, if you are a millionaire, for someone on a tight budget that might be a little out of your price range. So let me introduce you to the, 10th meal is free card. Sure it doesn't pay for the full meal and sure your dad might have to go to that certain diner six more times before he can get the free meal, but you did your part. You knocked out the first four meals, so that really is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year, or at least it will take him a year before he gets the prize, but either way you feel good and he feels loved.
I hope these ideas brighten your holiday and that you are able to now relax a little. After all it is a major holiday.
Oh and to my own children all I really want on Father's Day is not to be bothered, maybe a hammock, TV remote, and a new gun, so don't come home until I have all of the listed items. Thanks.