Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Secrets to Surviving Alone in the Wilderness

I have actually never been lost in the wilderness, unless you count last weekend in my yard as I was weeding it. Other than that I have been A-okay. I guess it is my great sense of direction combined with my strong will to live, but either way I have been good.  I have been on many outdoor excursions, but never lost thank goodness. But for those of you that find yourselves in the woods alone and afraid use these 10 tips and not only survive, but thrive in comfort and style.

1. Never go into the wilderness alone. If you are not alone you will not have to survive alone thus killing like several birds with one stone.  

2. Secret number 2 was actually used in secret number 1 as well and that is killing several birds. If you are alone killing birds can be a fun way to pass the time and a great source of food. Killing several at a time allows you to fill your stomach and then using the sun's rays you can make bird jerky for the rest of the time you are out in the wilderness.

3. Using pine cones, sticks and other wilderness supplies make a outdoor version of your significant other.  At this point in your life if you do not yet have a significant other then really what's the point of living anyway. Dig a grave and climb in. Just kidding there are still reasons for you to live. You can make a pine cone dummy of whoever you would like, have fun with it. Even if rescue comes and you are kissing your pine cone dummy, don't worry your significant other won't be mad, because again it's a pine cone dummy. Either way this will greatly help morale.

4. Watch a lot of Surviorman, Dual Survival, Remote Survival and Man vs Wild re-runs before you go into the woods. I don't remember any survival techniques from the shows, but it basically just shows you to be a daredevil and you will be fine. This will help when that stupid voice called your conscience says no Jacob you might break your leg if you jump that far. Confidence always shuts that jerk up and by watching those shows you will think you can survive anything.

5. Find a roadway, preferrably paved. If you could find one with a car driving by that would even be better. If you do find a car use your field knife to flag the car down. No one will stop for you if you smell like you haven't had a shower in days so you must use your knife to stop them.

6. Carry a cell phone. After you have built your tent of pine needles you will need something to do and with a cell phone you can play games or text or call people. That will keep you connected so it doesn't seem like you are by yourself.

7. Make a tree fort. This can keep your mind off of starving and if you have ever seen Swiss Family Robinson you can make a killer tree fort from stuff you salvage from ship wrecks in the area. NOTE: If you didn't get lost near a ship wreck then this secret isn't for you.

8. Make a loin cloth and shoes out of the feathers that you can get off of the birds that you killed in secret 2. Save your clothes for when you are rescued. You want to look cool and clean when you come down off the mountain in the helicopter. You might smell, but the stench will be covered up by the cleanliness of the clothing you have on.

9. Never scream or yell help. The only ones that will hear will be animals that want to kill you and eat your dead carcass. The only time you should yell help is if you are being eaten by an animal. When yelling this it will bring another animal over to you and unless the animals are friends they will start fighting thus allowing for an easy escape. If they are friends then you are kind of screwed because you will most likely get eaten quicker. Either way this will help because it will either put you out of your misery or let you escape. You have about a 50-50 shot at this point.

10. After hearing these secrets just make good and sure you want to be in the wilderness and if not don't go.

I hope these help. If you do plan a hike I would take the time to print these off and keep them in a waterproof storage container in case you do lose your way and haven't memorized these yet.  Good luck and keep cool and/or warm depending on the conditions of where you are located.  Peace out!!

No comments: